ASK ROD |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
There are choices and choices that go wanting. We wouldn't
know of ghosts but for the hauntings.
Few letters trigger more feedback than when I
answer one that concerns chronic depression. Most of my readers know that I went through a
long period of Clinical Depression and that I was able to pull out of it after years of
time I felt I wasted. Here is some feedback from last week.
Today is usually reserved for a 'Some of the Best' column, but I thought this week's
correspondence was important enough to have another session of Ask Rod.
FEEDBACK: DEPRESSION
I just wanted to say
thanks for the website. When I found the site it was like finding an old friend. My dad
took me to see Rod when I was a child at Clowes Hall in Indianapolis IN. I had never heard
of him, I loved the performance and I have been hooked ever since, but like good friends I
lost touch. I was in a music store recently and I found a collection of his music, so I
bought it.
I have been fighting depression the last few years and I am in the process of a medication
change and going through some difficult times. His music has really helped me. It somehow
brings me
peace. The sound of his voice is comforting in ways I cannot
explain. It seems funny that someone I have never met can touch me in ways others I know
cannot. Anyway I just wanted to say thanks. If I sound like a nut maybe I am. Peace Kim
Dear Kim, Thanks for telling your story. Never be ashamed to acknowledge an ailment like
depression. All of us have depressing moments from time to time; it's just that the
chemical imbalance that causes chronic, clinical and other forms of long-time depression
takes it a step further.
The more we talk about once forbidden subjects like cancer, strokes and AIDS the more
attention is focused on it by the Medical Community and the community at large. Knowledge
equals cure. Good luck with the new medication and hang in there. Love, Rod
IS MY WORK USED FOR THERAPY?
Dear Rod: Actually a
point that came up recently when I mentioned to a co-worker that I am instantly calmed
down when I get into my car after work and put on some of your music to listen to (and
sing along with) as I drive home. Ditto for using my portable cassette player at lunch
time -- feeling like a teenybopper with my ear phones and reading one of your books, works
like a charm every time. Of course this works at home also. Actually, I told Dwight in an
email to him re an order, that this is one of those days when this "treatment"
is an ongoing thing.
The point is it not true, or am I dreaming it that your words have been used by doctors
for psychological problems through the years? I have told many of this fact and now I
guess I had better check with the source. I know that you must have written of this or I
would not have known to state it. Well, I guess I had better get back to my
"treatments". Love, Nan
Dear Nan, I don't claim to be a doctor or to have found a way of calming people down with
the use of gentle words spoken over quiet and appropriate music. But, like it or not,
certain of my early recordings were pioneering in that doctors, analysts and those
involved in mental therapy started using them for their patients with good results.
Over the years I've heard from hundreds, make that thousands, of people who over and over
again tell me about the calming effect of certain of my recordings. I don't think I
deserve any special credit for this. Music calms me too and helps relieve tension. All
kinds of music, but in my case mostly classical music.
I'm very proud that any of my work makes life easier. We are assaulted by noise from every
direction, if nothing else my aim is to be an antidote to noise. I think it also helps
that many of the things I talk, sing and write about happen to us all. After all, joy,
hope, loss, misunderstanding, the courage to move on, life's surprises, the need for
acceptance and the pain of rejection are universal themes.
Again no one is more surprised and happy about the longevity and continued use of my
calmer recordings than me. When I rock, I rock, but confidentially I enjoy writing and
recording the introspective works more than anything else. Affectionately, Rod
KEARNY STREET
Dear Rod, I'm sure you've
heard it a thousand times (or more), but I feel compelled to share with you an experience
regarding one of your poems. In July, after having battled severe depression for most of
the year, I decided that I would end my life with an overdose of prescription medications.
My depression comes mostly from battling an illness that causes chronic pain and the
resulting side effects.
In June I turned 40 and that seemed to make the harsh criticism of my life only harder to
deal with. On July 24, I took a combination of six medications over the course of several
hours, in very large quantities. Leaving my physical body behind seemed like the answer,
although now I don't think it was the correct answer.
To make a long story short, I was found about 18 hours later and was whisked off to the
Intensive Care Unit of a local hospital via ambulance. Perhaps it was a blessing, but I do
not recall anything from the first three days of the hospitalization. Once I started to
regain consciousness, I found that my memory was atrocious.
The littlest things, such as my own home phone number escaped me. But for some odd reason,
your poem "Kearny Street" echoed throughout my mind. Of all your works, it is my
favorite. It felt good to have something familiar in my brain as I began to recover.
Once I stabilized, I was flown to a Veterans Hospital in Wyoming with an acute care
psychiatric ward for further treatment. My stay there was nine days. It was a very lonely
time, a time for some much-needed soul searching. The first night there I scribbled out
the words to Kearny Street on a napkin, the only thing I had to write on. Your poem stayed
in my pocket during my entire stay there. Thank you for the words and the company. It felt
like having an old friend with me. Thank you for listening this time, Stacey.
Dear Stacey, thanks for thinking of me as an old friend and be assured that you can count
on me in the future. I'll be here for you.
I'm so happy that you were thwarted in the attempt to take your own life and that you are
recovering. Suicide will always remain an option for all of us when things get too tough,
but it's a mighty poor one next to waiting to see how good - or bad tomorrow will be. Life
is such an adventure and you learn important things from going through even the worst
times. Besides, what is the very worst thing that can happen to you? Not rejection or
abuse, not loneliness or feeling abandoned or misunderstood. Death is the worst, because
despite the importance of our faith no one has yet come back to tell us what lies beyond
the grave. Death is final. Of course not one of us will make it out of this world alive,
but let's not be in a hurry.
Among other things, taking your own life shows a great ingratitude for being given life in
the first place. None of us knows for sure why we're here, but I believe it's for some
purpose. Hell, I'm not even sure of my purpose, let alone being able to divine yours. But,
LIVE. Choosing life over an easy death takes courage. And, courage is the first step
toward curing your ailments whatever they are.
Thanks for the story about "Kearney Street" and please write me as often as you
like. Who knows, you or a letter from you might be there when I need something to make a
difference in my own life. Love, Rod
AN EXCERPT FROM A LETTER
Just so you'll know, I'm back
on my Zoloft again. I doubt that I'll ever be able to stop taking it, but there's no shame
in that. I know that depression is a disease and that it's part of who I am. I'm just
fortunate that there's medication that can help. I also appreciate your support for people
who suffer depression. I know that you understand what it can do to a person...how it can
strip you of everything positive about yourself. I'm glad that I was able to realize that
I needed help again, and that it was available to me. I'm doing much better now.
I wish you love that will make you smile more often than not, and arms around you when you
need them. I wish you a long life. surrounded by people who feel the kind of gratitude
toward you that I feel. May you always know the warmth of honest friendship and love,
Lilac
(Note: I excerpted this letter and used a
pseudonym for the author because to print the entire message would compromise the identity
of the person who would just as soon remain anonymous. Needless to say it is from a close
friend.)
Dear Lilac, I printed this excerpt from your letter because you mentioned being back on
medication and that it is helping you. As I mentioned last week there are several drugs
now that help keep chronic, clinical and other kinds of depression in check.
If anyone reading this is depressed and the condition persists over an extended period of
time, by all means get doctors opinion on whether or not you might have the symptoms of a
chronic condition. In fact, if you can, seek out the opinion of more than one qualified
doctor.
Both Lilac and I suffer from a kind of depression brought about from a chemical imbalance
in our systems. It often robs us of the natural chemical that every brain needs for
optimum function. Understanding that and realizing it was nothing to be ashamed of - and
indeed curable - I was able to be cured with the help of Prozac. I no longer need
medication, but as I've said before should the time come when I need it again, I wouldn't
hesitate to avail myself of whatever the doctor orders. Also, it's important to remember
that many forms of depression can be arrested without the help of drugs
Modern medicine has come up with several medications that have revolutionized the way
depression is handled. Chances are once your doctor has prescribed the right one for you,
you won't have to take it for as an extended period as Lilac does. If you do, so what? The
important thing is that you function at your best. Happy, healthy and productive. The
alternative is unthinkable.
But, I can't stress this enough. Do not play Russian Roulette with so called designer
drugs. Without doctors supervision your chances for a cure are minimal and you could do
major damage to your system. Yours in health and happiness, Rod
THANK YOU
Mr. McKuen, How can I tell you
how many times you have literally saved my life through your words and poetry? There was a
time in the 70's where I would receive autographed copies of your photographs as Christmas
cards. A signed ink sketch of you still hangs on my bedroom wall, faded, familiar and worn
like a comfortable old sweater. I treasure every word that you have ever written, and have
two copies of each and every book. Finding that necessary after too many teardrops and my
own markings on pages left little room for your words.
My copy of ...and autumn came 1985 rests on my night stand, still covered with Saran Wrap
to keep out unwanted fingerprints and those little dust bunnies that appear out of nowhere
while you are asleep at night. Copies of your Folio's from the mid-eighties, kept neatly
tucked away in my dresser drawer.
Through losses of many kinds, divorce, deaths, and losing my heart and soul a couple of
times, you have always been the one constant love in my life. I was so thrilled to see you
on the Internet and so hoping this email really reaches you. I wish you love and health
and prosperity now and for many, many years to come. You will never know the comfort you
have given me when my arms were tightly wrapped around one of your books, falling asleep
on way too many long and lonely nights.
My favorite of all time is "Alone." One of my favorite lines "and anyway,
the ocean's all that I have left. There won't be anyone again, but there will always be
sea water and sea things to wash the memories into one another. "
That's a comfort not to be taken lightly, considering the sea is all I have. But that was
a dozen lifetimes ago, although they say some wounds just cannot be healed. Thank you Mr.
McKuen, thank you for being you, thank you for bringing your words into my
world.Sincerely, Jo Ann Sunny, Newport Beach, California
Dear Sunny, Thanks for a bright and Sunny letter. You might be interested to know that one
of the bright lights of my life is a cat that shares your name.
Thanks for the nice words and for being a longtime friend and fan.
With affection, Rod
GOING THROUGH AUTUMN TOGETHER
Dear Rod: I have been
visiting your website since I first learned of it about a year ago. I had been planning to
write you for some time, then a month ago I lost my hard drive. I've really missed you
these past 30 days or so!
You and I go back to about 1967. That's when I was beginning my radio career and I
discovered "Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows", "The Sea", and
"The Lonely Things" by Glen Yarbrough. After that I bought every record and book
by you I could find. When I met my wife a few years later, she had the same collection. We
wore those two sets of records out, and acquired a third.
I might also add, I have played your material or the air in many "lonely cities of
the world." I'd like to say thanks for re-emerging into public view after a long
visit to that "think place." I'd also like to thank you for helping me sustain
my interest in writing. In the last 15 years I went back to school and finally earned my
doctorate in history. Your poems have been a source of comfort and inspiration for me. Now
I'm trying to complete my first book.
Rod, I want to encourage you to write your memoirs. I think besides being a friend to many
through your writing, historians, who have any sense of what the 1960s were about, will be
interested. I know I am. Thank you again for being there for me in so many ways through
the years. I am happy to pass through another autumn with you. Best Regards, Galen Johnson
Dear Galen, after reading my work all these years you know that autumn is my favorite
season. Glad you joined me in seeing this one through.
Good luck with your book and I commend you for going back to school for a degree. Glad
you've worn so many of my records out and I'm looking forward to repaying you by buying
your book when it comes out. Thanks again, Galen, and all my best, Rod
THANKS FROM BOB
Thank you for your
feelings that you expressed as ours through out the years. I love reading you poems...but
I have sincerely missed you. Will you be going on tour any time soon? I hope so. In a way,
you owe it to us, those who have admired your work through the years. Bob Price
Dear Bob, you are right I owe all of you a tour and more than that I owe it to myself. I
really miss that one on one action between artist and audience that can't be duplicated in
any way but face to face. Maybe next year when the new book comes out. Thanks for asking.
Your e-mail address is now on my list, so you'll be one of the first to know when a tour
happens. Cheers, Rod
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ROD McKUEN?
Today my friend and I
were driving back from the thrift shop where we were looking for our Halloween costumes
and we were discussing a TV show we had seen last night on Packrats. (A packrat, of
course, being a person who cannot part with any piece of their past.)
I told her I am pretty good about discarding possessions except for one thing...my books
and albums. I simply cannot part with my old books. "Yes," she said, "I was
trying to weed out my bookcase with all my old books, but they are a piece of my past.
They are not just books, but my emotions captured between covers. Especially my old Rod
McKuen poetry books."
We laughed and discussed how those books had affected our lives. We discussed how we would
save them at least a few more years for our now-12year-old-daughters to read someday. This
conversation led to a bigger question. Whatever happened to Rod McKuen?
I told her I had spent a considerable amount of time looking for a mention of him on the
internet late one night when all the chat rooms got boring and it seemed there was no one
around who had any soul left. No one on the entire Internet knew what had happened to Rod
McKuen. They quoted him. They copied him. They loved him. But they didn't know what
happened to him. That was more than a year ago.
He must have died, we decided. How very sad. We would look up a biography on him when we
got back to work. Perhaps in Who's Who. After we got back to the office she came to me and
gave me a website address. I can't explain to you how elated we were to find this site. I
spent the rest of the afternoon reading the poems online, downloading Caught in the Quiet
and reading, reflecting, crying, and shaking my head.
Thank you Rod McKuen for coming back into my life. Somehow I don't feel so old anymore. I
now have a safe place to land! And I'm smiling. Nancy Orlando
PS: I work for Harcourt Publishers. Our trade book department is very small and is located
in San Diego. They accept only the best. You should call them.
Dear Nancy, Thanks for caring enough to look me up. Welcome to A Safe Place To Land. Try
to come here often if you can. I'm happy that you and your friend plan to pass along my
work to your daughters. That's the nicest compliment possible.
As to the company you work for, Harcourt-Brace is one of the great old publishing houses
and unless something has happened that I don't know about, one of the few that has managed
to remain independent. Over the years they've had a small but important stable of talented
authors. Weren't they once Harcourt Brace Jovanovich and headquartered out of New York? I
have a nicely inscribed copy of "Twice Over Lightly," a kind of delightful oral
history of New York, written by my old friends and intrepid explorers Helen Hayes and
Anita Loos and published by HBJ in 1972.
You don't think they could seriously become interested in little me, do you? I'll bet
there isn't anyone around there left who's old enough to remember me and my heyday.
Thanks again for writing me Nancy, I liked your letter a lot. Affectionately, a fellow
packrat, Rod
Tomorrow starts a day all of us in the Stanyan
family have been looking forward to. We're taking a month off to work on a second web
site, "The Stanyan House." But not to worry, nobody is putting up a No Vacancy
sign on A Safe Place To Land. I've selected 30 thoughts of the day for November, Wade has
done the birthdays and special friends Melinda Smith and Jay Hagan have chosen a selection
of my poems out of thirty different books so that something new will be posted every day
by Web Master Ken Blackie as usual.
Ken and I have our work cut out for us, so wish us luck. Will either one of us be back for
a progress report during the month? You never can tell. Stay tuned.
Happy All Saints Eve and remember not to send the kids out unsupervised. There are ghosts
and "stuff" out there. Take care of yourselves and most of all, sleep warm.
Don't forget to join me here tomorrow to see what Jay and Melinda have cooked up.
- RM 10/31/99 Previously
unpublished
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