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Photo by Bob Gentry 2001 Stanyan Entertainment

A Thought for Today

All need is but a plain name for desire.

 

OK, OK it may not be the right stuff but it's the real stuff.

CHOOSING SIDES

Kyletta is always ready with a punch . . and a counter punch.

IT WASN'T A VERY GOOD YEAR

Woman's Wine Quote: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full - bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


OH SHUT UP!

Ellen lives to make delicious chicken dinners and drive men (and other mammals) mad (a very short drive for some of us). If these questions don't send you 'round the bend, nothing will.

PUT A SOCK IN IT!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a Broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They're just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. . they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look out them while they delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?


THE JEWISH MOTHER

Hugs and Molly sent this.

A
DILEMMA

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.

"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're 
going to get married." 

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?" 

Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." 

Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" 

The son says, "Monica Lewinsky." 

Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?" 


NOW I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING

Jane of Ark provided this one.

A SHAGGY DUCK STORY

A circus owner walked a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an unside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from the owner. 

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger. "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

Asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

THE MODERN INCONVENIENCES

Rose is making a list and checking it thrice.

EVIDENCE THAT YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on our way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

24. You're thinking how true all of this is.

25. Even worse, you're probably going to forward it to someone else.


OUCH

Ellen filed this report from the great Northwest.

ANYONE AROUND HERE SEEN A SPOTTED OWL?

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old - growth timber from a recreational area."


MERLOT MY DEAR?

Rose overheard this at Spago or was it Prago?

MAY I HAVE A MENU?

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, and I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."


THE FINAL WORD

Today it belongs to Ralph Jones

DUBYA'S MATH

During Dubya's news conference, he explained the importance of funding math education: "Because there's three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."

In the spirit of spring forward, fall back don't forget to set your clocks forward an hour tonight. See you tomorrow for "Some of the Best." Sleep warm.

                                                   RM 3/30/2001

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notable birthdays Herb Alpert o Leo Buscaglia o Richard Chamberlain o Sydney Chaplin o Cesar Chavez o Rene Descartes o Lefty Frizzell o Al Gore o Howard A. Gross o Franz Joseph Haydn o Gordie Howe o Shirley Jones o Gabe Kaplan o Richard Kiley o John D. Loudermilk o Ed Marinaro o Ewan McGregor o Henry Morgan o James Nederlander o Red Norvo o Sean O'Casey o Rhea Perlman o Christopher Walken
Rod's random thoughts Love isn't bread, it's better.

If you really want something, ask for it. The most confusing thing anyone can say to you is yes.

Need can drive you down the darkest alley and leave you there, beached and bloody, but still waiting for the next encounter...

MARCH 31

I'll ring up one day 
and you may wonder who I am. 

I too might not be quite so sure 
if you're the one who smelled like violets 
or left my shoulder tattooed with a bite 
that took three weeks to go away. 
Or the one who, going down the stairs, 
turned back long enough to say 
"Don't call me after ten o'clock 
my mother goes to bed quite early." 

Those of us who think that "need" 
and "night" are both the same 
have so many little scraps of paper 
stuffed in wallets and tucked up under books 
or safely put away in dresser drawers. 
Names and numbers scribbled 
on the backs of business cards 
or finely printed on old matchbook covers. 

I never have the guts to throw them out. 
Do you? 

I suppose 
that like a pilgrim 
I keep imagining my colony of cards 
can one day be called up 
to form a fort against the need to walk. 

I must remember from now on 
to write beside their names "thin shoulderblades" 
or "this one had a mole along the left side of her stomach." 
Some identifying thing 
so when I go to make those calls 
I'll know just who I'm calling. 

But 
saving little scraps of paper 
and knowing they'll remain just that, 
not transferred into address books 
or indexed in a file, 
is a kind of mental masturbation 
good to no one. 

Not even those of us who think 
the inside of matchbook covers 
with a penciled number 
is a kind of life insurance 
can expect a proper settlement 
when the accident 
of being with our own selves only 
overtakes us in an alleyway 
or bedroom.

                       
-from "In Someone's Shadow," 1969
1984, 1988, 1999, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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