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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

What this country needs is a good twenty-five cent quarter.

 

The end of the workweek and the end of the month, time to change the paper on the bottom of the birdcage.

A GRIM FAIRY TALE

We don’t hear from Carol often enough but when she comes through she comes through. This one arrived with the comment, “Don’t you love Fairy Godmothers.”

ONCE UPON A TIME

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated
their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!


HIGH TECH

I love this 21st Century tale from Hugs and Molly.

ONE RINGY DINGY

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is
a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the
beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his
palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.


EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT

SharonAnn turns her head toward the breakfast newspaper.

WHO READS WHAT AND WHY

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.


LOVE IN BLOOM

This one is courtesy of Ellen.

THE LOVERS OF DECEMBER

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver- haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"


OH NO!

Sometimes the old jokes are the best jokes. Just ask Jane who offers this chestnut (whiskers and all). Jeeze, what a metaphor!

OH YES!

Two guys were walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole "Wow!...that looks deep!"

"Sure does!...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise.

"Jeeze that is really deep!...here throw one of these great big rocks down there. These should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...and wait... Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey! over here in the weeds. There's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over there and when we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise!" The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them. Running as fast as its hind legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the two men
and ambles over. "Hey! ...you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah!" said the farmer. "That couldn't have been my goat. My
goat was chained to a railroad tie!"


PUNS R’ US

Jay, who obviously has too much time on his hands, provided the following.

What is the best TIME to visit the dentist ? Tooth Hurty.

And this from Dan in Memphis.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

(I could have sworn this was one of last week’s leftover turkeys.)

THE FINAL WORD

Today it belongs to Kathy Johnson:

“Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

I’ll be back tomorrow with something for Saturday. Sleep warm.

RM 11/29/01 Previously unpublished.

notable birthdays

St. Andrews Day (UK)

Shirley Chisolm o Winston Churchill o Dick Clark o Richard Crenna o Jack Ging o Robert Guillaume o Abbie Hoffman o Billy Idol o Bo Jackson o G. Gordon Liddy o Radu Lupu o David Mamet o Virginia Mayo o Shuggie Otis o Gordon Parks o Mandy Patinkin o Allan Sherman o Ben Stiller o Noel Paul Stookey o Jonathan Swift o Mark Twain o Walter Weller o Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.

Now I ask you what can be bad about a day that gave us Dick Clark, G. Gordon Liddy and one third of Peter, Paul & Mary?

Rod's random thoughts Pitch your tent near a waterfall.

Success is the blotter we use to wipe out failure.

It takes centuries to produce a saint, minutes to make a sinner.

TWO POEMS FROM
"IN SOMEONE'S SHADOW"

A Message from the Front

I don’t think we can hold
the chemistry lab much longer
we’re running out of Dixie cups
                and Baby Ruth’s.

We’d better call up Colonel Sanders
                for reinforcements.
How do you spell Minnie Pearl ?

We can’t get channel four..
What the fuck do they expect from us,
Ralph Williams sells the same cars
                every hour.

Tomorrow when we give the dean
his bloody nose
our reputations for this year
will finally be secure.
But tonight, because of our commitments,
we missed Beach Blanket Bingo
                                    on the Late Show.
War is hell.

A Word from the Sponsor

How tall we are.
We’ve learned so much.
Everything, it seems,
but how to stay in touch.

- from "In Someone’s Shadow", 1969

 
© 1969, 1972, 1980, 1999, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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