Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Love works best when we don't work at it.
Don't tell me we don't have the best flotsam and jetsam on the web.
NOTES FROM THE BUREAU
Will Chiles has news on the FBI's current caseload.
ONE RINGY DINGY
The phone rings at the local FBI Field Office in Maine.
"FBI, Good morning."
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. May I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Walter Thibodeau! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeau's residence. Agents search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeau and leave.
Subsequently, the phone rings at Thibodeau's house.
"Hey, Walter! Did you get a visit from the FBI?"
"Did they split your firewood?"
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW. . .
Willy has just provided us with this list of "The Greatest
Country - Western Song Titles of all Time!"
. . . WE'LL SEND YOU A THIRD DISC ABSOLUTELY FREE
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
THE CHEAT SHEET: A PASS IT ALONG EXCLUSIVE
Just before leaving for Oxford where she is about to spend the next twenty five years (sequestered with a group of defrocked monks) whittling down the unwieldy 35 volume Oxford English dictionary to a more manageable page and a half, Kyletta sent me her latest work. After decades of diligence (this time with the aid of The Sisters of the Emasculate Contraption) she has boiled down The Bible to a sensible fifty
It will be published this fall by Random House in a large print edition, but lucky readers of this column can now download the complete text for free, avoiding the $1.95 suggested publishers price. No need to write and thank us, this is just another service
from your friendly A Safe Place to Land staff.
THE READERS DIGEST VERSION OF THE BIBLE
God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born
God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained.
SIDEBAR: I don't know how she did it but even in this condensed version she managed to retain the pomp and beauty of the original work. Bravo Kyletta! For those interested in classical music Ms. Miller's 30-second version of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" makes its debut in Santa Fe this summer. It will be spread over four evenings.
Once again Nicky Williams explains why truth is stranger than fiction.
THE ADVENTURE CHANNEL
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders
through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist.
At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began
shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
"After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my
cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily
they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM300 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely
AN EASIER WAY
Jane Hernandez knows how to empty an elevator.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted
to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson and said, "That will
teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with
his wife when he choked, "I...I... didn't pinch that girl!"
"Of course you didn't," said the wife, consolingly. "I did!"
MORE BUMMER STICKERS
These stick-'em-ups are from the collected works of Rose.
IF YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO READ THESE
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
HONK If You Want To See My Finger
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
FORE, OR IS IT FIVE?
"Rod, I thought this was a funny golf joke, writes Jane."
A man staggered into the emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "My wife and I were having a nice game of golf together when she sliced the ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its' rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours'!"
THE FINAL WORD
Today it belongs to Clyde Williams
ONLY IN HOLLYWOOD
Two little girls were sitting in the lunchroom of an elementary school in Beverly Hills. "Guess what," one said. "Mommy's getting married again, so I'll have a new daddy."
"Really," said the other girl. "Who's she marrying?"
"Winston James, the famous director."
"Oh, you'll like him," the other girl exclaimed. "He was my daddy last year."
Tomorrow we return with some "Saturday Stuff." Sleep warm.
RM 3/30/2001 Previously unpublished
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