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Christmas 2000, photo by Bob Gentry ©2000 Stanyan Entertainment
A Thought for Today
Another long holiday weekend and another chance to remind you to drive safely and if you plan to party take along a sane and sober designated driver.
True, Christmas is over but there's still a lot of left over turkey
out there. . . including some of these items. Or, you might say I'm making some lists and checking them once.
AND IT CAME TO PASS
Wes sent this in. You know I'm gonna get letters on this one, including the usual crap from "Lady" Brent who still hasn't learned how to be a graceful winner.
THE PREDICTIONS OF NOSTRADAMUS
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium, month 12
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be proclaimed the leader.
GOOD RULES FOR ANY OFFICE
These arrived with a holiday greeting from Beth.
THE MEMO
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
THE CHRISTMAS THAT WASN'T
The United States Supreme Court has ruled that there shall be no nativity scene in Washington, D.C. for Christmas 2000. This ruling was passed not only for the standard political
correctness issues - authorities simply have not been able to locate three wise men and a virgin anywhere in the Nations capitol. There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
HANGOVER LEXICON
This is Andrea Robb's attempt to help you classify your hangover over the festive period.
I FALL DOWN & GO BOOM!
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a portion of fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full on English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the dodgems), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Mosside secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
1. Home time
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.* * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co- workers think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
GOOD ADVICE?
Dear Rod, I got this bright and early this morning and I thought of you! I have been reading "Flight Plan" for quite some time now and enjoy it very much. Happy Holidays! Smiles from,
Kelly Heller
I DON'T THINK SO
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1.About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In
fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2.Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single - malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3.If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5.Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6.Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8.Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9.Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10.And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
Again, make this the start of a safe and happy weekend. Sleep warm.
RM 12/29/2000 Previously unpublished
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