PASS IT ALONG |
|
Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Making wishes and expecting them to come true is for
amateurs. The professional works to make his wish come true.
Friday and time to share a clutter mailbox,
made more so by all the goodies sent that I'm reluctant to toss out before passing along
to other friends.
THE DARWIN AWARDS
It's always a pleasure throughout the year to present the latest candidates for the annual
Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar with them, are given for those
individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from
the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Coral has submitted the newest list compiled by Michael Nunn with the following comments.
"There are some very strange people out there boys and girls! Thank GOD we are all
normal (well, relatively!)"
. . . And The Nominees Are
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his
house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation,
according to police. He was approximately 6 ft 2in tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was
wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It
appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost
approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his
rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task
of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead
in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving,
except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the
officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for
a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After
the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at hospital -
the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole
between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death.
Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.
5. Los Angeles - Police officials would not release the name of a
Pacoima man who was found dead after complaints from neighbors that a Bad smell was coming
from his apartment. Upon entering, officers were Surprised to see that every square inch
of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered
with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very
unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything
looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The
surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a
wire frame around his head, upon which he had taped various pornographic images,
apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up
view of naked bodies." Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his
way, but according to Hradj, "he had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see
a thing."
The man was found nude with his wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he
had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was
lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained
to the ceiling." The man apparently choked to death trying to extricate himself.
6. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and
crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a
commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it
not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key
ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
7. A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee
jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground, "Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "major trauma".
8. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were
playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future
Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
9. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you
can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object. that resembled a cigarette
lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Nobody could make this stuff up.
HOW'S THAT AGAIN
Only our own chief contributer to this section, her honorable Huffyness (Please don't get
a life) could offer this honest practical and very useful PERSONAL AD TRANSLATOR
What They Say, What It Means
WOMEN:
40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic: Flat chested
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat; ball buster
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Real B*tch
Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Widow: Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart: Toothless crone
MEN:
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit: Will sleep with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a grizzly
Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter.
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful: Says "Please" when demanding a beer
BLONDE ON BLONDE
Kevin, who should be ashamed of himself, offers this Blonde Groaner with only the
following comment " Hey, I thought you might enjoy this... " I did.
Semifors
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The
woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she
wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think
I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to
the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with
her tour.
"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the
contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and
yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.
In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in
a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the
window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask,
"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every
time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street."
BLONDE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVES HAIR
Sue writes "I know, I know - but I have finally succumbed to a blonde joke. I thought
it was hilarious! (And just in case Edward didn't tell you, I'm blonde now!)" He did,
Sue, but I can't imagine you as the heroine of this story
Peroxide Napper
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak
tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the
boys jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the
big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
LITTLE RED WAGON GROANER
Make no mistake about it, this is a real groaner. Cathie K sent it in.
Ouch.
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck
when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to
a dog. The fireman smiles and waves to her and says "Hey little girl what are you
doing?
The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire
truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks, mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and
notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little
girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.
The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a
siren!"
MORE THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT BEER
This comes from Wes who calls it "Beer Trivia."
Waiter, There's Some Beer In My Foam
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the
"honeymoon".
###
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to
find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too
hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule
of thumb".
###
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle
down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
###
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's
log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to
state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen
might have the more beer".
###
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would
head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term
"berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the
meaning of their wild battles.
###
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless
to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the
stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered
down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word
still in use today.
###
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of
their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle",
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Do you feel enlightened or, like me, just thirsty.
101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
Nicky is such a romantic, she wants the next time we do it to be magic. To that end she
offers this . . .
Cautionary List
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. You don't sweat much for a fat person.
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah. today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs; it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Was what good for me?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate people who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook too, right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
85. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Sun".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
OK LETS PUT ALL OUR BLONDES ON THE TABLE (So to Speak)
Cathie offers, What she calls, "The best Blonde joke I ever heard."
Three Blondes, No Waiting
Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't
know how to get across. The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out
how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired
man and he builds a boat and rows across. Then the third man prays to God to make him the
smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
Why is it all the best blonde jokes come from women, Here's one Andrea sent me.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She sent me a fax with a stamp
on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M & M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a Dance CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under education on her job application, she put Hooked On
Phonics.
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T
WALK.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says sign here, she
Put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She studied for a blood test-and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money!
When she saw the NC-17 / under 17 not admitted, she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport
left, she turned around and went home.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
We'll miss her.
THE FINAL WORD
. . . And it's fitting that it belongs to our buddy Bablaca
Honest, It's Me
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card
in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
That's it for Pass It Along today, but not before I thank Coral, Michael, Huffy, Kevin,
Wes, Nicky, Sue, Andrea and Bablaca for providing the funnies, Thanks gang. See you
tomorrow for a sentimental Saturday. Have a good one today and tonight, sleep warm.
- RM 10/29/99 Previously unpublished |
