PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
All life is imagery, but imagery is seldom life.
The end of another week and nearly another month. I hope I’ll see many of you Sunday evening in Redding, meanwhile here’s a smile or two.
HE SAID, SHE SAID
“Thought you might get a ‘grin’ from these, I did”.
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Congratulations, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN SPORT
From the green hills of Scotland Andrea Robb reports.
THE VILLAGER AND THE VENTRILOQUIST
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a fu*king liar!
OH NO! OH YES!
I thought I’d heard everything, but “Potato
Puns." Dianne, Diane, I’ll get you for this!
THE EYES HAVE IT
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise and be strong so as not to be
skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and the English guys called Chip! s. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Idaho State) (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips but not a "Chip in the Bag". But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...
Are you ready for this?
Here’s anew take on happy homemaking from Nicky Williams.
BRINGING IT ALL BACK HOME
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four rags inconspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere.
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
The last some of us heard from Jay Hagan, he and Cheryl were on a cruise to Alaska. Today this photo mysteriously arrived in my E-mail box. Please, somebody, say it isn’t so.
HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?
Kathy Johnson provided these dog promises.
THINGS I MUST REMEMBER AS A DOG
(in order to keep my present living arrangements)
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I
like the way they smell.
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although
they are tasty, they are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom
garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
MORE SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Nicky’s been adding to her collection.
LOOK! OVER THERE
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout.
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push". Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
On a more serious note no week when the world loses the talents of two such important actors as Carroll O’Connor and Jack Lemmon is a very good one. Those who make us smile while shedding light on the human condition are all too few and needed now more than ever. Rest in eternal peace, you’ve both earned it.
Sleep warm and join me tomorrow for a Sentimental Saturday.
RM 6/28/2001 Previously unpublished.
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