PASS IT ALONG

Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob Gentry 8/5/1999

A Thought for Today

Selfishness doesn't work for very long. Guard against the folly of only thinking of yourself.

Something to offend everyone today.

WONDERFULLY DUMB STUFF

Coral says:

"You have to give these people credit..... On second thoughts, let 'em pay cash!"

REALITY BITES 

1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE... 
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! 
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? 
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! 
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? 
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? 
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No !"the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! 
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllloooooooooo !)

8. THE GRAND FINALE 
Remember, these are true stories. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. 

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

BLONDE

This Friday Blonde is brought to you by Kyletta Miller.

THE NEW DIET

A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping on the third day."

IT'S THE LAW

Coral says:

"Well This little lot are laughable...but maybe not printable ... makes Oz land seem sooooo tame! And we both know that's not true!" 

Hey, Coral we have to print the laws, so people won't screw up.

AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT SALES TAX?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) 

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. 

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the 
deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?) And like who's gonna tell? 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) 

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -- but only in tropical fish stores. (This sounds a bit fishy) 

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) 

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (Was this really a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) 

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!) 

THE CREATION GOES ON

Here's - BJ Connery's take on oneupmanship.

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER

 In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

CATHOLICS AT COFFEE

Ellen passed this one along.

TRUMP CARD 

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks 
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chimes in, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace.'"

This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?"

To which she smugly replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God...."

TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE F WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

Our girl, Stargirl writes:

"Chuckle at this one? Why the *&%# not? Love Starthingy"

WE DON'T WRITE 'EM, WE PASS 'EM ALONG

Top Ten Times in History when using the "F" word was appropriate.

10) "What the *&%# was that?"- Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?"- Custer

8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that."- Einstein

7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!"- Picasso

6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?"- Pythagorus

5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?"- Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain."- Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my @ss!"- Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"- JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton

AN OLD MAN, A BOY & A DONKEY

This one comes from Susan (with a smile.) 

THREE FOR THE ROAD

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town, and it was decided the boy should ride the donkey. As they went along, they passed some people who thought it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Soon they passed some more people who thought it was a real shame for the man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they decided they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought it was a shame to put such a load on one poor animal.

The old man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of this story is:

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

BEDSIDE VIGIL

This comes from a young lady who often signs her name Clara Voyant

AIN'T LOVE GRAND!

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

See you tomorrow with some Saturday Stuff. Sleep warm.

                       RM 10/26/2000 Previously unpublished

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