Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Real pain is never art. It only hurts like art.
Tomorrow and Monday I have the privilege once again of talking about one of the nicest people I know on "E's True Hollywood Story of Phyllis Diller." Check your local listing for the time in your area.
HELLO UP THERE
Ellen is very timely with her Super Bowl Story.
Bob Smith receives a FREE ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -
he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field; right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says, "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got
married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man sheepishly replies, "they're all at the funeral."
This little list comes from Kyletta who advises:
"Moments when saying nothing might have worked out better."
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live forever but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever."
......Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
.....Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
......Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
.....Mariah Carey, pop singer
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
.....Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party Convention
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
......Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
....Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
.......Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
.....Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on but they
take them off."
.......Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe"
......Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
......Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
.......Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack ass and I'm just the one to do it."
........A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
.......General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
"Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff."
......Billy Ray Cyrus
A SHAGGY CHIHUAHUA STORY?
Rose must have picked this story up at the pound.
NO PETS ALLOWED
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow me."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
"Yes, they're using them now; they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Ok. Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW
Rory regales us with this bodice ripper.
A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be, "Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?"
"Sure," Mike responded, "and her tits ain't bad either!"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
So sick of selling seashells by the seashore but still sexy and on the safe side of senile, Sonja
"I'M OVER FIFTY AND I LIKE IT"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older [but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO-My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR-Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE-All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX-If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN-It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT-Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN-Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN-Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN-Only time the world beats a path to your door anymore is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN-If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN-When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN-It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN-These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
NINETEEN-UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.
NOT THE DISNEY VERSION
Hugs and Molly provide this re-telling of an oft' told tale.
KING ARTHUR'S NIGHTS...
In days of old when knights were bold, King Arthur was leaving for a crusade and implored his squire: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my beautiful wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, I have probably died in battle. You may then give the queen the key."
King Arthur then sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe -- and takes one long last look at his castle.
Suddenly, he sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge,
yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank God I caught you... This is the wrong key!
STARGIRL'S SATURDAY SMILE
Stargirl writes, "This is a terrific gag...and CLEAN.".
COME ON DOWN, HONEY.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Honey, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
ADAM & EVE
Jake provides us with the TRUE story.
AND GOD CREATED WOMAN
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this lovely place just for me, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
LET IT BE
Coral commiserates from far off Oz. She reckons none of us here in the USA will be going to The Emerald City anytime soon.
A SKELETON IN THE CLOSET
Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of several STDs. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a well-known thief.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and, of course, I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush? Signed, Worried About My Reputation
WHERE THERE'S A WILL
Nicky Williams found this on the Men's Room wall at the USO.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
THE FINAL WORD
Democrats eat the fish that they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
(submitted by Edgar Williams)
See you tomorrow with "Some of the Best." Sleep warm.
Details of Rod's upcoming concerts
and appearances can be obtained via the link below:
McKuen Concerts & Appearances