PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Thought for Today

Without civility there is no useful civilization.

 

Friday is usually ‘pass it along day’ around here because I think it’s kinda nice to end the workweek and head into the weekend with a smile or two. Whatever you have planned for Saturday and Sunday – work or play – work easily and play hard and safely.

PHOTO OF THE WEEK

This came from my old buddy Mark Bernstein. I hope the dog got out of the way in time.

“Nice Bike”

TEXAS LORE

The following arrived via Pony Express from Sterling Silver.

FORE

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."


ETHICS 101

These meditations on ethics both come courtesy of Jane Hernandez.

LEGAL ETHICS, 1

A lawyer is speaking seriously to his son on the subject of "ethics".

"Suppose son," says the lawyer, "that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay."

"Okay." says the son, acknowledging that he's following along with the story.

His dad continues - "The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills..."

"Okay." says the son.

"Now the ethical question," states the dad - "Do I share that money with my partner?"

LEGAL ETHICS, 2

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably at their table. "You,
Attorney Morgan, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney McGuire gave me $10,000. In all honesty I cannot unfairly accept two bribes," said the judge.

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to attorney McGuire saying, "Now, then, I'm returning $5,000 to you Mr. McGuire, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"


A CHEEZY HALLOWEEN JOKE

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.

GRINS & GROANS

All of the following arrived from Kyletta. Does she have too much time on her hands, or what?

OR WHAT

"Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head."

"Well, don't worry," said the doctor. "You're just having Disneyspells."

####

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi,
two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant,
a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese man, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

####

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible.

He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

####

An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon
jungle when they heard the sounds of drums.

At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning. "Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said before running off.

The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another native about it.

"Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said. A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked.

The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation...

"Bad, real bad that drums stop," he blurted. "Now comes bass solo!"

####

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one-day for an outing,
since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit
the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a
cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The
supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell
what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just
throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."


OLDER WOMEN SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

With apologies to Art Linkletter, these arrived courtesy of Alan Kornfield.

LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE: Tale #1

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE: Tale #2

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench by the ocean. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.' 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there . . . that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. . ."

THE FINAL WORD

Today it belongs to Alan Kornfield and his pop, Richard.

INVESTMENT ADVICE

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily, and recycle.

-Alan & Richard Kornfield

I’ll be back tomorrow with something for Saturday, meanwhile sleep warm.

RM 10/25/2001 Previously unpublished

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Charlie Barnet o Primo Carnera o Hillary Rodham Clinton o Jackie Coogan o Cary Elwes o Chuck Foreman (football) o Diane Hoffman o Bob Hoskins o Mahalia Jackson o T.C. Jones o Margaret Leighton o Dylan McDermott o Pat Sajak o Domenico Scarlatti o Shah of Iran o Jaclyn Smith o Lauren Tewes
Rod's random thoughts Loneliness is the casualty of absence.

I have has small moments I thought big enough to coast on down a lifetime of unrest and no more love – and there were epic times, or so I thought, that for some reason run no longer in my head no matter how much effort I put into their remembrance.

-from Moment to Moment, 1974

Life is loud and so it follows that we should accept each solitary day as some prized gift.

TWO NOCTURNE’S

A Nocturne for Hermes

Love is mindless.
Give it directions and off it goes.
Provide it with purpose and lose it.
Excuse it for being only love
        and expect a confrontation.
Remind it of its duties
and it will stay in bed asleep.
But let us pretend it's a bit more balanced,
           just for the sake of pretending.

Suppose it's a rose forever opening.
A wise little child that won't grow old.
How do you keep its center
                                          from darkening?
Always lean it toward the light.
Give it the afternoon off when you can
but never a rest in the middle night.

-from “A Safe Place to Land”,  2001

Nocturne

At twilight
spires pierce the middle air
as if to feel their way
through clouds and into
God’s green garden
and protected grass.

Later when the midnight comes
they venture further
perhaps into His living space.
I wonder how He greets
these round, well meaning domes
with pleasure or indifference.

Depending on His boredom
or the bacchanal
of cheribim and seraphim
              in progress.

I expect He welcomes
all the brave intruders
especially if their curiosity
is gently mixed with love.

Midnight’s’
not as desperate
as we’re told
we should believe it is.
Loving and the act of love
is only one more affirmation
that God in heaven
walks and runs
        and somersaults
living on to see
all things His hands created
die, arise and live again.

–from “Love’s Been Good to Me,” 1979

 
© 1964, 1979, 1992, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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