FRIDAY
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Edward & Rod: The Brother's McKuen.
Photographed by Diane Kopperman, May 2002 at BB King's New York City
A Thought for Today
What if they gave a war and everybody
came?
PASS IT
MALONG
Ye Gads, it’s Friday.
HANG ON A MINUTE
Jean sent this to Edward and he sent it to me. Now it’s in your hands.
THREE LITTLE WORDS
I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a
halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during
dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Now Steve
Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle,
has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a
telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.
The three little words are "Hold On, Please." Saying this while putting
down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would
make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would
grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone company's
beep-beep-beep tone, you
know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently
completed its task. This might be one of those articles you'll want to
e-mail to your friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone
soliciting.
But wait, there’s more.
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the
payment, let the companies throw them away. When you get those pre
approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd
mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return
envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the
pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their
application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your
name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you
want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their
junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk
mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting
into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!
Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty....
TICKETMASTER
Sonja sent me this and I love the punchline.
BUT OFFICER!
I went to the store the other day, I was only there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop
writing a parking ticket. So went up to him and said, "come on buddy how
about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued to write the ticket, so I called him a pencil
necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
bald tires!
So I called him a pile of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. I didn't give a damn,----my car was parked around the corner,
this one belongs to my neighbor who lets his dog shit in my yard every
day.
BIRDS OF PRAY
This one must be making the rounds because I received it from several
sources but the first one was David.
POLLY WANTS A SAW BUCK
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say
one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
and keep repeating it all the time."
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots
that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and
we'll put them in the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach them to
pray and worship."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution." The
next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frankie. Our prayers have been answered!"
DENNIS ANYONE?
This observation comes courtesy of Bruce.
ART IMITATES LIFE
Dennis Hopper, who has evolved from Hollywood's dope
fiend, alcoholic, lunatic bad boy, will be the host of a new half-hour
mystery thriller series for NBC. The first mystery: "Why Am I Still
Alive?"
OH NO!
Ann apologises for this groaner, and well she should.
OH YES!
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year, they
petitioned their governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone. Finally,
their request was granted.
But at Yellowstone, rangers told them it was mating season. It was much
too dangerous. Still, this was their only chance, so the rangers relented.
They were told to report in daily. For several days they called in, and
then nothing was heard from them. The rangers mounted a search. They found
the scientists' camp ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.
They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female
and killed her. Cutting her open, they found the Russian's remains. One
ranger said, "You know what this means, don't you?" "Of course," said the
other, "the Czech is in the male."
EAT AT JOES
This one’s a little dog-eared but it comes from Pat & the pups.
I GAVE AT THE OFFICE
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big
corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during
the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our administrative assistants has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all
shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the administrative assistant?" A hand raised
hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For
four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but
noooooo, you had to go and eat the administrative assistant!"
NOT SO ABSTRACT THOUGHT
Rita signs in.
AS I WAS SAYING
No wonder marriage changes passion...suddenly you're
in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I
said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing
up fast.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
Sleep warm.
RM 10/22/2002 10:15 PM Previously unpublished
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(posted 09/28/2002).
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