A NEW LIST OF SAINTS
FOR THE CHURCH OF ROME
August, 1968, The New York Times
Catholic Church drops 31 saints from their official list
Despite St. Valentine's full quiver
his arrows make no mark.
He's been unmasked as Indian giver
in matters of the heart.
St. Nicholas is optional
you'll be pleased to know,
giving gifts is still permissible
as is plastic snow.
Could be we need a few new saints
to help us keep our place.
What about St.Stokely
for stirring up his race.
All Saint's Day would be amiss
with St. Hershey's letter.
Killing little boys I guess
will make the whole world better.
And now that good St. Chris is gone
who'll prevent the crashes ?
St. Nader with his pen in hand
makes Ford break out in rashes.
St. Syntex doth control the fate
of people everywhere.
The Church of Rome is prone to wait
to canonize or care.
St. Hoffa's now a monk they say.
To him the faithful seldom pray.
Don't forget St. Doctor Spock
and St. Joplin queen of rock.
St. Reagen's good at chopping trees.
St. Union oils our oceans.
St. Leary's literary teas
are tops in campus notions.
To crown this list of new-found saints
and make it everlasting,
St. Portnoy for our sex complaints,
St. Warhol for type casting.
-from "In Someone's Shadow", 1969