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Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment

A Thought for Today

The rhyme is in the rowing of the boat - straight-ahead, not veering except to take on passengers. Steady hands circle sturdy paddles propelling us forever forward.

-from: Book of Days

 

Friday again and after cleaning out the bottom of the birdcage we concentrate on what’s left in the E-mail box. They include three gems from Nicky Williams.

NO MEANS NO CHICAGO STYLE

This came from Bablaca and it’s a bit of heaven.

PRESERVING THE EVIDENCE

Woman Takes Bite Out Of Crime Suspect
Chicago Sun-Times

A woman walked into Chicago police headquarters early Friday morning holding an unusual piece of evidence: a pair of testicles she said she'd bitten off an attacker.

The 42-year-old Evanston woman told police she fought back after a man forced her to perform oral sex on him. Police put the testicles in a biohazard evidence container because the man was nowhere to be found, Sgt. Robert Cargie said. Then a man turned up at Michael Reese Hospital and Medical Center. Police "put two and two together," Cargie said.


LETTERS WE ONLY READ THE HEADLINE OF DEPT:

A lot of E-Mail comes my way, much more than I had bargained for when I entered the world of the net. Once in a while a non intriguing slug line pops up and I don’t even bother opening the letter. I just trashed such a post without reading it. Here’s the subject matter:
.
“NEW PMS FUN PAGE”

Thanks but no thanks

HONK IF YOU’RE A GOOSE

Here’s another bumper crop of Bummer Stickers from Andrea Robb.

MY BUMPER IS BIGGER THAN YOUR BUMPER

My other car is a broom

Honk if you're illiterate

I may be a cruel and heartless bitch, but I'm damn good at it!

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups

Caution: Blonde Thinking

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

A day without sunshine is like... night

Don't take my signals literally.

Earth First--We'll screw up the other planets later

Fight crime, shoot back

Caution: Driver applying makeup

Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?

Honk if you hate noise pollution

CAUTION: Driver Singing

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I have PMS and a gun. Any questions??!

Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.

Clap one hand if you love Buddha

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

DO NOT REMOVE: STICKER COVERS BIRD CRAP.

GROANERS

“So Bad, They're Good” is the only comment Nicky Williams offers as she boldly sends these across the pond. We’ll be the judge of that, Nicky.

OH NO! OH YES!

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

~~~~~~

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into
low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

~~~~~~~

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

~~~~~~~

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

~~~~~~~

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

~~~~~~~

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

~~~~~~~

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

~~~~~~~

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

~~~~~~~

And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


(I say Give her The Hook . . . well, maybe next time.)

PET OF THE WEEK

Nicky Williams thinks this is the ‘pick of the litter.’

DON’T RUSH ME

This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took it home. That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"

There was no reply. He tried again,

"Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?"

Again, no response. So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop. So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"

"I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my f***ing shoes on"


MEN OF STEEL

Nicky redeems herself with this one.

SLOW STARTER

A steelworker walks into a construction site and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references and past experiences. He looks fit and has a good personality. The Forman is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in his employment record.

The foreman asks, "what were you doing for six months? The steel fixer shuffles his feet a bit and replies " There was an
accident on site and I was injured with a disk cutter"
.
"That's awful "says the foremen, "was it a bad injury"?

The steel fixer shuffles his feet even more and replies "its not
something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

"Well I can see why you wouldn't want that known,” said the foreman. "You look fit enough now and your references are excellent so start tomorrow morning"
.
"That great" says the steelworker, "what time do you start on this site"?

"Well" says the foreman "we start at 8.00am here, but we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, so you can come in at ten".


Sleep warm.

RM 5/24/2001 Previously unpublished

Booking for "An Evening with Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for more details:

Riverton Concert Details

notable birthdays Claude Akins o Dixie Carter o Bennett Cerf o Steve Cochran o Jessi Colter o Jeanne Crain o Hal David o Miles Davis o John Gregory Dunne o Ralph Waldo Emerson o Marian Gauthier o Tom T. Hall o Lauryn Hill o Anne Heche o Lauryn Hill o Kitty Kallen o Robert Ludlum o Ian McKellan o Mike Myers o Ron Neesen o Frank Oz o Bill "Bojangles" Robinson o Connie Sellecca o Beverly Sills o Ginny Sims o Tito o Gene Tunney o Leslie Uggams o Tracy Ullman o Karen Valentine o John Weitz o Hank Williams, Jr.

Reread today’s list of birthdays and then tell me May 25th isn’t an exceptional day.

Rod's random thoughts The fool in each of us has higher aims.

The heart is most beautiful when filled with charity.

We should not measure our capacities by those of others, nor revile those who do not measure up to our own outputs.

TWO POEMS FROM
“In Someone’s Shadow”

May 24

Spring will chase us
through the summer into fall
and find us beached upon some snowy shore
waiting for the spring to come again.

Then gingerly we’ll go through jonquils
to see out other summers.

Birthday to birthday
          season to season,
every hour will be an anniversary
                    of the hour just past.

May 25

There are some forests that I haven’t known.
Some tree trunks I have never wrapped my legs around
                                              and climbed.
A million branches I might have slid down
               had I had the time.

Still
some leaves trembled in the wood and caught my ear.
Some twigs beneath the hooves of deer snapped
           and signaled spring,
waking me from endless winter thoughts.

-from “In Someone’s Shadow,” 1969

 
© 1969, 1975, 1981, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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