PASS IT ALONG |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
One man’s life will always make a difference.
It’s nice that Christmas Eve this year
falls on a Friday, our day for passing smiles along.
THE LAST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN
Hugs & Molly made my day with this one.
THE GIFT
On the last day of
kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son
handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it
is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy storeowner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it
and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that
it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?"
she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
DEAR LANDLORD
Ellen provided me with these examples of real
tenant complaints to landlords. Some people are so picky!
MY NAME IS BOB AND I'LL BE YOUR HANDYMAN
"The toilet is
blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. "
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped
on it and is now pregnant. . ."
"The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?"
"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and
need it straight away."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. "
"The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and
dangerous."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will
you please send someone to do something about it."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to
drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it
and it is very uncomfortable for us."
COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU
Nicky Williams has been trying to write a
musical for Broadway and she wrote and asked for a few tips. No sooner had I advised her
that "First you need a premise," than darned if she didn't come up with one.
THE ORIGIN OF CHAPSTICK
The old cowhand came
riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in
front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few
feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big
kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and
aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
AND GOD CREATED FALL RIVER
Cathie Keneflick writes, “ My special
friend has struck again. Even though I am living in MA, my heart is still in VT.”
A QUESTION OF BALANCE
Once upon a time in the
Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found
him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor;
the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people," God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and asked,
"What's that one?"
"Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire, the most glorious places on Earth. There are
beautiful lakes, rivers, mountains, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from
Maine and New Hampshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going
to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
They will be admired by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance,
God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-assed, arrogant
piss-ants I'm putting next to them in Massachusetts.
JUST GOT OFF THE PSCYIC HOTLINE WITH MS. WARWICK
This came in a couple of weeks back from
RitaMRN. Whoops, I think she’s nailed us.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN . . .
1. Your coworker has 8 body
piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste
the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even
notice.
13 A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and
sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 PM - on a workday.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is
into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH
99".
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is
teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car
Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe lying on the
shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the
country, as if we really care.
23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell
phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
25. You AND your dog have therapists.
FROM ELLEN: A SOUTHERN GROANER
In a small Southern town
there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's
helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about
the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read
the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said,
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL
Waldo thought I'd like this one, he was right.
A GUY WALKS INTO A CHURCH
The privacy partition in
the confessional booth slides and an excited voice bursts through the screen:
"Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me yesterday. I'm 90 years old, and I made
love to two 18 year old women for eight hours last night!"
The stunned priest replies incredulously, "You did WHAT!"
"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two eighteen year old women last night
for eight hours."
The stern father replies, "Boy I've been waiting all my life for a guy like you. I'm
gonna give you a penance like you'll never forget."
To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me a penance."
"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.
"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice. A perplexed father asks, "Then why
are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!"
One thing wrong with the holidays is that most
of us keep our expectations of them far too high. Relax. Don’t invest too much
thought in any celebration. Holidays are seldom easy to get through but they pass by more
easily if we let go a bit.
Give more and expect less might be a good motto.
Don’t forget whose birthday we’re celebrating. Whether you believe Jesus existed
or not isn’t as important as celebrating the life of a legendary man who by all
accounts went about doing good. Believing such men did and do exist enlarges all of us,
even the skeptic.
Happy Christmas to you, my friends, all of you wherever you are and to your families and
those you love. On this last Christmas Eve of the nineties I send you many smiles and much
love.
- RM Christmas Eve, 1999 Previously unpublished. |
