Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Don't expect a free lunch without a good morning's work.
And I do mean stuff.
REALITY TV: THE NEXT STEP
Nicky Williams has the latest bulletin that will effect all of our friends in Great Britain. I wonder if this will effect Jerry's interest in booking me for a tour of the British Isles.
MAD PRIME MINISTER DISEASE. EVERYONE TO BE SLAUGHTERED
(Reuters, 24 March, 2001)
In a precautionary measure the British Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of U. K. farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.
This policy was agreed by the Prime Minister late last night at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. It was explained to the PM by his Agricultural Minister, Mr. Nick Brown that, far from being their own fault, as simple country-dwelling folk, farmers could not be expected to deal with "citified New-fangled nonsense" such as "insurance" and "vaccinations".
Mr. Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to ensure that all living things within a hundred-mile radius of the British coastline are immediately exterminated. The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.
Television networks are reported to be overjoyed at this news. Channel 4 is already planning a themed game show "Big Barbecue" where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first.
ITV will be showing 24-hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.
(Editor's Note: In related developments the re-release of Gracie Fields World War II hit "Keep The Home Fire's Burning" has zoomed to the top of the British pop charts where is shares the number one place with Cliff Richard's "Come on Baby, Light My Fire." Time Out reported that London Decca is trying to rework the Vera Lynn wartime smash "There'll Always Be an England" to reflect the U. K. fast changing market.
British thrush Petula Clark's 'Tour of the Heartland' has been renamed "The Sheep Tour" and will be moved to New Zealand. Those holding tickets will be notified that they can be exchanged for the Tom Jones, Englebert Humperdink, Elton John & Dez O'Connor "Old Dogs, Watermelon and Wine" concerts." RM)
Farming expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these measures were 'a proportionate and measured response to the crisis - the Government's proposal is entirely understandable, I fully support them,' he said as he booked his flight to Australia.
It is expected that within two weeks of this policy being carried out foot and mouth disease will be entirely eradicated from the United Kingdom.
The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election, but might disrupt The Queen's Birthday Honors in June.
It had to happen! Sharonann sends us a top ten list regarding the "Miracle Pill."
A LIST YOU MAY NOT SEE ON LETTERMAN
Slogans being considered by Pfizer to promote Viagra.
10. Viagra, its "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!, More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
A LITTLE OLD LADY WALKS INTO A COURTROOM
Cathie says, "Hope you all enjoy...". I did.
ORDER IN THE COURT
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what
happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: After he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
spread my old legs and said, "Take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch.
A HELLAVA TOWN
I'm not sure of Rose's ethnic background, but she has definitely visited New York.
POINT OF VIEW
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in
London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the
steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."
The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian said, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"
PICTURE OF THE WEEK from Lola
A GOLDEN OLDIE
Ann shares with us one straight out of The Joe Miller Joke Book.
DO THE MATH
A math teacher left this letter for his wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant.
Sincerely, Your Husband
P.S. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up. Your Wife
Sue continues in the plus & minus vein.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
IF THE SHOE FITS
Jane Hernandez has a warped sense of humor. And I like it.
WHICH DOCTOR DO YOU CALL?
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and. 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
Collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
THE LAST WORD
Today it belongs to Waldo.
Two guys are approaching the 12th green on the golf course when suddenly a funeral convoy appears on the road right outside the course. As the hearse approaches one of the golfers removes his cap and stares solemnly.
The procession moves on, the golfer puts his cap back on, and pulls his putter out of his bag. "That," says his partner, "was one of the nicest, most respectful things I have ever seen."
"Yeah," says the first guy, lining up his putt, "we would've been married 33 years next Wednesday."
See you tomorrow for "Some of the Best. Sleep warm.
3/23/2001 Previously unpublished