PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

On Friday nights like these it is a blessing not to be young.

 

You think you’ve seen most of the left over turkey? Obviously you haven’t read today’s Pass it Along. Happy mashed potato pancakes.

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

From: "Williams, Nicky" it's quite funny.........

A WEEK AT THE GYM

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony, who identified himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. (He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to all those rippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday: Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my @#%**! shoes.) Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.

Friday: I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, puffed-up peacock.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me @#%**! barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the !&*#*@!) will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root canal or a mammogram.


NAVEL LINT, ROAD KILL & DRIED FRUIT MAKE A HOUSEWARMING GIFT SHE’LL NEVER FORGET

Sharon Sewell passes along some helpful hints.

TIPS REJECTED BY MARTHA STEWART

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)


HALT! WHO GOES THERE?

The lovely Jane of Ark no longer bothers making 9-11 calls.

ONLY US CHICKENS

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day.

He decided to look for himself, and sure enough there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police at once, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no officer was
available to catch the thieves.

The man replied “OK” and hung up. The he counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an armed response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"


THE SELECTED PUNS OF DIANE JARDINAMI

You won’t believe it but some were worse than those I decided to print.

SPEAKING OF TURKEYS

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? .........  A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business they ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thus proving - Are you ready for this?
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


E NUFF!!!

Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend, but drive and play safely.
Sleep warm.

RM 11/22/2001 Previously unpublished

notable birthdays Abigail Adams o Billy the Kid o Guy Bolton o Maxwell Caulfield o Ellen Drew o Ruth Etting o Manuel de Falla o Merv Hughes o Victor Jory o Boris Karloff o Steve Landesberg o Johnny Mandel o Harpo Marx o Franklin Pierce o Shel Silverstein
Rod's random thoughts If life is what we make it, some of us are poor architects.

The longer a lie is allowed to live, the greater the number of people it can hurt.

Learning never stops and shouldn’t.

LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD

I will not let a war or warriors
kill my thirst or appetite for love.
Though I do not travel into battle
with roses in the barrel
                              of my gun
I still go forward into life
looking straight ahead.

War worries me.
Not because
the generals lie to us.
                               I worry
that as each day moves
beneath the cloud of autumn
we may be lying to ourselves
enough to kill what truth existed
when we started out.

I worry that
beneath our helmets
our heads are only capable
of hating,
that further down
in our anatomy
we’ve lost the open space
within each heart set aside
                      for love.

I will not let this war
or any others
kill my appetite for caring.
I’ll try to keep some open spaces
beneath and underneath
my breastplate
for the next tomorrow.
Another in my helmet.
There will always be
room for new ideas
to rattle, bounce and jog along.

- from "Beyond the Boardwalk", 1984

 
© 1965, 1984, 1988, 1999, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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