PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
A Thought for Today
On Friday nights like these it is a
blessing not to be young.
You think you’ve seen most of
the left over turkey? Obviously you haven’t read today’s Pass it Along.
Happy mashed potato pancakes.
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
From: "Williams, Nicky" it's
A WEEK AT THE GYM
birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private
lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be
a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Tony, who identified himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress:
Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting
for me. (He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
all those rippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
he conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very
inspiring.) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the
door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair
master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
Thursday: Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help
being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my @#%**! shoes.)
Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.
Friday: I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny,
puffed-up peacock.) If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me @#%**! barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my husband (the !&*#*@!) will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a
root canal or a mammogram.
NAVEL LINT, ROAD KILL & DRIED FRUIT MAKE A
HOUSEWARMING GIFT SHE’LL NEVER FORGET
Sharon Sewell passes along
some helpful hints.
TIPS REJECTED BY MARTHA STEWART
telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the
names and addresses of people you don't know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
HALT! WHO GOES THERE?
The lovely Jane of Ark no
longer bothers making 9-11 calls.
ONLY US CHICKENS
was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the
garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that
he hadn't been in the shed that day.
He decided to look for himself, and sure enough there were people in the
shed, stealing things. He rang the police at once, but they told him that
no one was in his area, so no officer was
available to catch the thieves.
The man replied “OK” and hung up. The he counted to 30 and rang the police
again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
armed response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot
them!" He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
THE SELECTED PUNS OF DIANE JARDINAMI
You won’t believe it but some
were worse than those I decided to print.
SPEAKING OF TURKEYS
Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...what? ......... A super callused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business they
ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close shop. Terrified, they did so, thus proving - Are you ready for this?
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend, but drive and play safely.
RM 11/22/2001 Previously