PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

We only see times changes when it's late and growing later.

 

Friday again, proving it does come along every week after all.
Itís time to clean out the E-mail files and send you on your way with a weekend smile or two.

DONíT LET YOUR SONS GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS

This advice comes from my old friend Jane Hernandez who also wrote me today that sheíd be in Redding. Itíll be the first time weíve seen each other in 50 years.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.Ē

"Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before."

The woman said "Well don't be, take this money and buy you some boots that fit!"

OH MEN! OH WOMEN!

If we didnít have Nicky Williams, our ace reporter from England, keeping track of Us Vs. Them, I donít know what the guys who read this column would do. Guess weíd all have to go back to Abby & Ann.

BUT WHAT DOES SHE REALLY MEAN?

The female vocabulary - key words and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."


OK EVERYBODY, INTO THE SHOWERS!

Nicky again and is she all wet this time?

A SCIENTIFIC REPORT

When you step into a shower, which part of the body do you wash first?

1. Chest 5. Privates
2. Face 6. Shoulders
3. Armpits 7. Others
4. Hair

Now scroll down with your answer in mind. Check what/who you are but decide first before you scroll down. Don't cheat! This is pretty enlightening.














The following describes your character:

CHEST:
You are a practical person, straightforward and do not beat around the bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see things your way. You are a good sex partner and willing to try new things. Your best partner in life will be those who chose HAIR.

FACE:
Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. Integrity and dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used and life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you but you are not concerned as to what they think. Very self-centered person. Below average sex partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed in self-pleasure at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will be those who chose PRIVATES and OTHERS.

ARMPITS:
You are a dependable and hard working person. Generally a very popular person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others, you to get yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether people are genuine towards you. Trusting type. You make very poor sex partners, as you are the working type with average talent. Do not always consider your partnerís needs. Your best partner in life will be those who chose SHOULDERS.

HAIR:
Artistic, creative, caring type. Positive thinker. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot! You will work tirelessly towards goals that are to your liking. You are able to see and understand things others don't. Money, material possessions are not important. Friends and family are important. You make the Best sex partners. You are most willing to explore. Especially warm and sensual lovers. You love to please your partner. You value intimate moments with those you love. Talent, intelligence, loyalty, kindness, intuition are your main strengths. Your best partners in life will be those who chose CHEST and PRIVATES.

PRIVATES:
Shy type. You lack self-confidence and tend to be misunderstood by others. Find it difficult to share yourself with others. You do not have many friends as others sometime find you boring unresponsive. Perseverance is not your strengths and you tend to give up easily and at the first opportunity. However, you make an above average sex partner. You are able to show your true emotions to very few people. But, in sex, you find your inner strengths. And you find sex a safe avenue to share your true feelings. Your best partner in life will be those who chose FACE and HAIR.

SHOULDERS:
A born loser. You fall in almost everything that you do. People
dislike you and you tend to spend your time alone. Your type have been known to be heavy gamblers and drinkers. You see the world as a living hell. Money and power are also important to you, but your luck will always fail you. You make a lousy sex partner. You will find it difficult to find a partner in life. Those who chose ARMPITS are your only chance.

OTHERS:
You are a very average person. Undoubtedly, you have your inner strengths but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be little bit more adventurous and sell you potential. Deep down, you are a very likable person with very few faults. However, the key will be to make your strengths stand out and not just hide your weaknesses. You are an average sex partner. You have great fantasies about different techniques But unfortunately are not brave enough to try them out. Your best partners in life will be those who chose FACE.

DID YOU FIT IN YOUR SHOWER TEST?


NOW THATíS CCOLD!

Del Quinn is an indoor / outdoor landscape artist by trade but obviously history is never far from his mind.

TODAYíS HISTORY LESSON...

Back in the days when every sailing ship had to have a cannon for protection, cannons of the times required round iron cannonballs. The Captain or Master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around on the gun deck.

The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs.

The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey," but would rust and stick to an iron one.

When the temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the now smaller indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck.

Thus, it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

A little military trivia that you always thought meant something else.


D-DAY IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN

This comes from ďJane of ArcĒ and as you will see I didnít give her that nickname for nothing.

EVEíS PROBLEM

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret. You know, Woman to woman."


THE FINAL WORD

Dear Rod, New to me anyway - enjoy. BJ Con.

New to me too BJ but itís a nice way to end this Flight Plan and start the weekend. Cheers, Rod

1. The best way to get even is to forget...

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...

3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained here on earth...

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.

11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person...it's being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.

15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

17. You have to wonder about humans. Some think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

18. It's all right to sit on your pity potty every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. You'll notice that a turtle doesn't get anywhere until it sticks its neck out.

20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher also.


Donít forget to send in your ideas on which past Flight Plans youíd like to see repeated while Iím on the road during July. Join me tomorrow for a Sentimental Saturday. Sleep warm.

RM 6/21/2001 Previously unpublished

Two new appearance dates just announced!

Booking for "An Evening with Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for more details:

Concert & Appearance Details

notable birthdays Bill Blass o Ed Bradley o Bruce Campbell o Gower Champion o Carson Daly o John Dillinger o Roy Drusky o Katherine Dunham o Dianne Feinstein o Sir Henry Rider Haggard o Kris Kristofferson o Cindy Lauper o Anne Morrow Lindbergh o Mary Livingstone o Joseph Papp o Sir Peters Pears o Freddie Prinze o Erich Maria Remarque o Todd Rundgren o Meryl Streep o Eric Stretch o Michael Todd o Lindsay Wagner o Ralph Waite o Kurt Warner o Billy Wilder
Rod's random thoughts Nothing is so high as a natural high.

The rim of the horizon has no rim without the substance it moves from.

Too much time is lost in sorting out the real from what we pass off as reality.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW

Some days up ahead
will come down empty
and some years fuller
than the fullest one
we've known before.

Today has been
the best day yet.
              I thought
you ought to know that,
and I thought it time
that I said thank you
for whatever might have
passed between us
that in your mind
you might have felt
missed my attention.

It didn't
and it doesn't
and it won't.

Thank you
for the everydays
that you make
           into holidays.

I close up
more often now,
not just to you
but even to myself
             within myself.

I know I should
be always open.
At least I ought to make
             a better try.

I will.

-from the 1974 U. S. edition of "Moment to Moment"

 
© 1960, 1974, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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