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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
We only see times changes when it's late
and growing later.
Friday again, proving it does
come along every week after all.
It’s time to clean out the E-mail files and send you on your way with a
weekend smile or two.
DON’T LET YOUR SONS GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS
This advice comes from my old
friend Jane Hernandez who also wrote me today that she’d be in Redding.
It’ll be the first time we’ve seen each other in 50 years.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
A lady
goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He
has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's
true what they say about men with big feet.”
"Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The
woman figures why not and spends the night with him.
The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.
Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services
before."
The woman said "Well don't be, take this money and buy you some boots that
fit!"
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
If we didn’t have Nicky
Williams, our ace reporter from England, keeping track of Us Vs. Them, I
don’t know what the guys who read this column would do. Guess we’d all
have to go back to Abby & Ann.
BUT WHAT DOES SHE REALLY MEAN?
The
female vocabulary - key words and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument
that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not
walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she
is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk
to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually
signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out
of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when
she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it
is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT,"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her
in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say
"Nothing."
OK EVERYBODY, INTO THE SHOWERS!
Nicky again and is she all wet
this time?
A SCIENTIFIC REPORT
When you
step into a shower, which part of the body do you wash first?
1. Chest 5. Privates
2. Face 6. Shoulders
3. Armpits 7. Others
4. Hair
Now scroll down with your answer in mind. Check what/who you are but
decide first before you scroll down. Don't cheat! This is pretty
enlightening.
The following describes your character:
CHEST:
You are a practical person, straightforward and do not beat around the
bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be
distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see
things your way. You are a good sex partner and willing to try new things.
Your best partner in life will be those who chose HAIR.
FACE:
Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. Integrity
and dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used
and life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you
but you are not concerned as to what they think. Very self-centered
person. Below average sex partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed
in self-pleasure at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life
will be those who chose PRIVATES and OTHERS.
ARMPITS:
You are a dependable and hard working person. Generally a very popular
person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others, you to
get yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether people are genuine
towards you. Trusting type. You make very poor sex partners, as you are
the working type with average talent. Do not always consider your
partner’s needs. Your best partner in life will be those who chose
SHOULDERS.
HAIR:
Artistic, creative, caring type. Positive thinker. Daydreaming is your
hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot! You will work
tirelessly towards goals that are to your liking. You are able to see and
understand things others don't. Money, material possessions are not
important. Friends and family are important. You make the Best sex
partners. You are most willing to explore. Especially warm and sensual
lovers. You love to please your partner. You value intimate moments with
those you love. Talent, intelligence, loyalty, kindness, intuition are
your main strengths. Your best partners in life will be those who chose
CHEST and PRIVATES.
PRIVATES:
Shy type. You lack self-confidence and tend to be misunderstood by others.
Find it difficult to share yourself with others. You do not have many
friends as others sometime find you boring unresponsive. Perseverance is
not your strengths and you tend to give up easily and at the first
opportunity. However, you make an above average sex partner. You are able
to show your true emotions to very few people. But, in sex, you find your
inner strengths. And you find sex a safe avenue to share your true
feelings. Your best partner in life will be those who chose FACE and HAIR.
SHOULDERS:
A born loser. You fall in almost everything that you do. People
dislike you and you tend to spend your time alone. Your type have been
known to be heavy gamblers and drinkers. You see the world as a living
hell. Money and power are also important to you, but your luck will always
fail you. You make a lousy sex partner. You will find it difficult to find
a partner in life. Those who chose ARMPITS are your only chance.
OTHERS:
You are a very average person. Undoubtedly, you have your inner strengths
but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be little bit more
adventurous and sell you potential. Deep down, you are a very likable
person with very few faults. However, the key will be to make your
strengths stand out and not just hide your weaknesses. You are an average
sex partner. You have great fantasies about different techniques But
unfortunately are not brave enough to try them out. Your best partners in
life will be those who chose FACE.
DID YOU FIT IN YOUR SHOWER TEST?
NOW THAT’S CCOLD!
Del Quinn is an indoor /
outdoor landscape artist by trade but obviously history is never far from
his mind.
TODAY’S HISTORY LESSON...
Back in
the days when every sailing ship had to have a cannon for protection,
cannons of the times required round iron cannonballs. The Captain or
Master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant
use when needed, yet not roll around on the gun deck.
The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the
cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had
four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels
would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs.
The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out
from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a
small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each
cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs
wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey," but would rust and stick to an iron
one.
When the temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As
it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would
get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the
temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the now
smaller indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck.
Thus, it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a
brass monkey."
A little military trivia that you always thought meant something else.
D-DAY IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN
This comes from “Jane of Arc”
and as you will see I didn’t give her that nickname for nothing.
EVE’S PROBLEM
One day
in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be
bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly
when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in
such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little
secret. You know, Woman to woman."
THE FINAL WORD
Dear
Rod, New to me anyway - enjoy. BJ Con.
New to me too BJ but it’s a nice way to end this Flight Plan and start the
weekend. Cheers, Rod
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained
here on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving
"advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked
down by the traffic from both ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall,
claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a
little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person...it's being the
right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner
was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans. Some think God is dead and Elvis is
alive!
18. It's all right to sit on your pity potty every now and again. Just be
sure to flush when you are done.
19. You'll notice that a turtle doesn't get anywhere until it sticks its
neck out.
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet
the water bill is higher also.
Don’t forget to send in your ideas on which past Flight Plans you’d like
to see repeated while I’m on the road during July. Join me tomorrow for a
Sentimental Saturday. Sleep warm.
RM 6/21/2001 Previously
unpublished
 Two new
appearance dates just announced! Booking for "An Evening with
Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for
more details:
Concert & Appearance Details
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