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A Thought for Today
The man who says I told you so is making
an excuse for not expressing his position clearly in the first place.
Friday, and this above all
weeks we can all use a dose or two of humor. So here is our weekly Pass It
Along feature.
SOLIDARITY FOREVER
Alan and Genette Kornfield
believes in retro-reciprocity, and, why not? They provide today’s opening
smile.
LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL
A
dedicated IAM Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as
you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20." "That's more like
it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the
night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an
85-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority.”
SAY WHAT?
These quips from the lips of
stars often make a lot of sense and thanks to Sharonann Sewell for string
them together for us.
CELEBRITY SAYINGS
"Instead
of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just
give her a house." -Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
-Marilyn Pittman (Last time I looked she wasn’t blonde)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "huh?" -Conan
O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow
learner." -Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.' -Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." -Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -Paul
Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar
Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet." - Mae West
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -George Carlin
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. with him"
–Alexander Drey
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
Keep away from children" –Besse Lorraine Bowles
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Allyson Jay
BUMMER STICKERS
More sayings for sticking from
Kyletta.
BANNERAMA
Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
TODAY’S BLONDE JOKE
Sue, who was born blonde but
has gone through the color spectrum since, sent this from along the coasts
of France.
NOT YOU DUMMY!
A
ventriloquist is touring clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of off-color and 'dumb blonde' jokes,
when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair
and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, DICKHEAD! What
makes you think that you can stereotype women that way? What connection
can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a
human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from
being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full
potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate
negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the
sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past and what you do
is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it
is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect
for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot".
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologies, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to the little bastard on your
knee!"
HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMS
This arrived with postage due
from Tom the Bellboy.
KEEP THESE NEAR, JUST IN CASE
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean
Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.....................Near by
LETTER OF THE WEEK
Mary Davis goes to the top of
the list with this offering.
SURPRISE
I hope
you don't mind, I need to ask a massive favor - I have some friends who
are camping their way around the world and they have asked me if I had any
contacts where they can stay without spending too much money.
I said I would ask around for accommodation, but just in case you feel it
might be a bit of an imposition (them staying with you), they do have all
their own camping gear and don't require much place to set up in your
yard, or maybe you can point them in the right direction to shack-up in
your local area.
They're great people and are good company (also very easy to please). I
have given them your name and address anyway, and hope you feel that it’s
not too much of an inconvenience. Please don't feel obliged...I'm sure
they'll understand.
PS: Just in case they turn up on your doorstep without calling
beforehand, I've attached a picture of them. Thanks.
THE FINAL
WORD
Today it belongs to Ralph
Jones.
BEAUTY IS AS BEAUTY DOES
A woman
was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." and for her 1st wish, she wanted to
be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her 2nd wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay
because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the
richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her 3rd wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."
See you tomorrow for a “Sentimental Saturday. Sleep warm.
RM 9/20/2001 Previously
unpublished
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
"Tap
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman
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