PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Thought for Today

The man who says I told you so is making an excuse for not expressing his position clearly in the first place.

 

Friday, and this above all weeks we can all use a dose or two of humor. So here is our weekly Pass It Along feature.

SOLIDARITY FOREVER

Alan and Genette Kornfield believes in retro-reciprocity, and, why not? They provide today’s opening smile.

LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL

A dedicated IAM Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority.”

SAY WHAT?

These quips from the lips of stars often make a lot of sense and thanks to Sharonann Sewell for string them together for us.

CELEBRITY SAYINGS

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman (Last time I looked she wasn’t blonde)

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "huh?" -Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery


"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' -Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." -Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -George Carlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. with him" –Alexander Drey

Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and Keep away from children" –Besse Lorraine Bowles

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Allyson Jay


BUMMER STICKERS

More sayings for sticking from Kyletta.

BANNERAMA

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


TODAY’S BLONDE JOKE

Sue, who was born blonde but has gone through the color spectrum since, sent this from along the coasts of France.

NOT YOU DUMMY!

A ventriloquist is touring clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, DICKHEAD! What makes you think that you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot".

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologies, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"


HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMS

This arrived with postage due from Tom the Bellboy.

KEEP THESE NEAR, JUST IN CASE

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.....................Near by


LETTER OF THE WEEK

Mary Davis goes to the top of the list with this offering.

SURPRISE

I hope you don't mind, I need to ask a massive favor - I have some friends who are camping their way around the world and they have asked me if I had any contacts where they can stay without spending too much money.

I said I would ask around for accommodation, but just in case you feel it might be a bit of an imposition (them staying with you), they do have all their own camping gear and don't require much place to set up in your yard, or maybe you can point them in the right direction to shack-up in your local area.

They're great people and are good company (also very easy to please). I have given them your name and address anyway, and hope you feel that it’s not too much of an inconvenience. Please don't feel obliged...I'm sure they'll understand.

PS: Just in case they turn up on your doorstep without calling
beforehand, I've attached a picture of them. Thanks.

THE FINAL WORD

Today it belongs to Ralph Jones.

BEAUTY IS AS BEAUTY DOES

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." and for her 1st wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her 2nd wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her 3rd wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


See you tomorrow for a “Sentimental Saturday. Sleep warm.

RM 9/20/2001 Previously unpublished

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Leonard Cohen o Darva Conger o Dave Coulier o David James Elliott o Fannie Flagg o Liam Gallagher o Andrei Gavrilov o Henry Gibson o Edward Gosse o Larry Hagman o Faith Hill o Gustav Holst o Hamilton Jordan o Stephen King o Ricki Lake o Joseph Mazzello o Rob Morrow o Bill Murray o Alfonso Ribeiro o Savonarola o David Silveria o Melvin Van Pebbles o H. G. Wells
Rod's random thoughts From our birth we begin moving toward death. It may be that death upon this earth is only the shrugging off of a body grown weary, so that the soul can display itself in some better place.

A cloud. No single eagle ever sat upon one, and guns while piercing some have never killed or wounded any. They multiply, divide, and multiply again. I’ve never seen a cloud destroyed and certain birds are buoyed by them.

The dandelion hasn’t yet been known to make a choice between the pasture and the lawn, and love’s as blind to rank and right as politicians are to pulse beats.

TWO POEMS FROM
“ . . . and autumn came”

september 22

life is an animated cartoon

the young are born awake
live for a while
then know sleep

the march season starts quietly
lives wickedly
then gives way to april

the world’s promises go back from where they came
miss america becomes an old maid
college boys peddle pencils

a bird calls... someone is born
a bell rings... somebody dies

life is a play by shakespeare
sub-plot by shaw
a comedy drama
directed by man
produced by christ

a bell rings
and somebody dies

september 23

from my window i see the world
light and shadow
illusion and dreams
love
and hope
and more dreams
from my window i see the world
and i can’t make up my mind
whether or not i like it

a church spire jets into the sky
and little girls in patent leather shoes
chew bubble gum in the first pew

a stranger walks into a bar
and nobody looks from a passing car

two lovers kiss in the shadow of the lake
and look around
to see if the world is watching

a girl
husbandless
loverless
walks the streets
content with a profession that gives her both

2.

and
the world is full of people like me
star-crossed
muttering prayers under their breath
clutching anything close
when disaster threatens

the world is full of lovers
lying to themselves
people praying publicly
shouting their woes
that all may hear and pity them

how impressed we are
with each other’s nakedness
how public the world is
like a railroad station

i see so many like myself
the world is my window
and in the people who walk by
i see my own reflection

-from “. . . and autumn came,” 1954, 1969

 
© 1954, 1969, 1977, 1988, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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