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Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Let him who shouts the war cry first stand in the front of invading armies.
"But soft, what breaks through yonder window, light?”
I think you’ll agree after reading the following that Nicky Williams has her antenna out . . . way out. It’s not very nice to laugh at other people’s misfortunes, but let’s be honest some things are just plain flat-out-funny – as long as they’re not happening to you, that is.
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years."
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much-loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but having no revolver instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.
Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.
An American teenager was in hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
Following the initiatives of the Afghan Tailbone government - which has banned kite flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a blind imitation of
THE SENILITY PRAYER . . .
Roseoeire sent me something to put on my bedside table just in case I need it.
. . . AND OTHER SORROWS
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And - the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
THE NEW MONK
Obviously Hugs and Molly should be eating more wafers and nipping less sacramental wine.
PLEASE DONATE YOUR OLD PC TO THIS MONASTERY
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other Monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices,
however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the
first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes
down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk, “ what's wrong?”
In a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
Andrea Robb says:
“I'm not 50 yet, but the friend who sent this to me is!”
Number 3 hits a little too close to home.
19 THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?
Sue Richardson sent this to Edward who sent it to me and I’m passing it along to you.
A 110-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies.
"I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some
brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and *BAM* the beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly," said the doctor.
SAM’S COWBOY BOOTS
Rose hits the jackpot.
An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
JACK THE PAINTER
Here’s another one from Andrea Robb
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches.
Jack put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "O God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke....
(You're gonna love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?
It’s obvious that Ellen’s little black book is getting bigger.
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between
8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?)
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of
her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-
worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
THE FINAL WORD
This one is courtesy of Courtesy of Jenjam.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
See you tomorrow with ‘Some of the Best.’ This week the request came from a student in Littleton, Colorado. Sleep warm.
- RM 04/21/2001
New Riverton Summer concert
details announced! Details can be obtained via the link below:
McKuen Concerts & Appearances