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Rod &
Kubby. Photo by Bob Gentry, ©2002 by Stanyan Entertainment Group.
A Thought for Today
I’ll try anything once, and anything that
doesn’t hurt more than once.
PASS IT
MALONG
DECISIONS
This item confirms it; Janice has been stalking me. If not how could she
possibly know every move I made yesterday?
I SHOULD HAVE DROPPED BREAD CRUMBS
I decided to wash my car. As I started towards the
garage, I noticed mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find a can of pop that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the pop aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the pop is getting
warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the pop, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. I set the pop down on
the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching
for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be
looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So
I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of pop sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
MASTERCARD OR VISA?
From Pat & the pups.
GOING POSTAL
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for
her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, " O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Protestants, and 32 Baptists."
HO, HO, HO
Pat again with another holiday cracker.
HORSING AROUND
There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross
the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little
boy said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a
$20 ticket for a safety violation he said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it." The young boy looked up at the cop and
said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he
sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on
top."
A CHRISTMAS CHUCKLE
Thanks to Brian Challis for this little item.
PERFECTION
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
FLA LA LA LA LA LA LA
As he was preparing this year’s Twelve Downloads of Christmas our
soundmeister, Eric, discovered a whole new set of holiday carols.
CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jungle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells
[NOTE: Eric left out a few that I’ve taken the liberty of adding to his
list.]
AND OTHER MALADIES
Guilt transference --- Go ahead, Have Yourself A
Merry Little Christmas, don’t worry about me. .
Colorblind --- I’m Dreaming of a Gray Christmas
Dyslexia --- Sliver Balls, Sliver Balls
Chronic Suspicion Syndrome --- What Are You Doing New Years, Eve?
Every Family’s Nightmare --- I’ll be Home for Christmas & New Years & St.
Paddy’s Day and maybe I’ll stay through Halloween.
Superiority Complex --- Glory to Me in the Highest
Tattletale --- I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Clause
Clinically Depressed --- Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it
Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let
it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow,
Let it Snow,
Migraine Headaches --- The Little Drummer Boy
BANANAS ALA BOB
Those of you lucky enough to see Bob Gentry perform with me in California
& Illinois or with his own band Moisture in Detroit and Los Angeles may
think this sweet looking 27-year-old is the “angel” he appears to be. I
DON’T THINK SO. In fact his warped sense of humor is one of the things
that attracts me to him as a human being and a fellow songwriter.
Fortunately the teeny boppers who send him ‘mash mail’ & ask him to bite
their training bras wouldn’t be caught dead reading this site (can they
read? he asks) so this won’t blow his cover. As a mentor to this uniquely
talented man I do think it important to let you see his other side, thus I
present for your edification and enjoyment an E-mail he sent me last
weekend.
Only a smiley face came with the link below. While I swore I’d never get
addicted to web-games I’ve wasted hours on this one. I never win.
Obviously I have a long way to go in developing my Game Boy skills.
THE GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf
THE NEARLY FINAL WORD
Today it belongs to Ann Martin:
“Don't mess with flight attendants! A flight
attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench
coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."
The calendar indicates that tomorrow is the first day of winter. Tell that
to those of us in California who are entering our third week of winter
storms. Sleep warm.
RM 12/19/2002 4:08 PM PST
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