19th
& 20th June, 2008
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
If you are having second thoughts about
that E-mail you just finished writing, don’t send it.
TO BEGIN WITH
My buddy Ann has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them and she
doesn’t suffer fools or foolishness. It must have something to do with
living in Bakersfield. For those unfamiliar with beautiful, bodacious
Bakersfield let me put it this way; on any given summer day the
temperature in this (en)counter culture corner of California is only one
or two degrees cooler than the states rusty old electric chair when it
was running at full blast.
Yep, the temperature of Big B. has everything to do with the temperament
of Kern County’s Bakersfieldians. None are half-baked or aldente. Does
Ms. Ann of B-Town sound like someone else you might be acquainted with?
Exactly. And, that’s why I appreciate her so much.
For instance, long before it hit the press, Ann was the first to inform
me of her county clerk’s official reaction to the new California law
permitting same sex marriages. Remember, we’re talking about The County
Clerk (and in this case Auditor and Controller) one Ann Barnett, elected
to carry out and enforce local and California laws. Well, Ms. Barnett
has decided to close the office that performs ALL weddings. No we can’t
make this stuff up.
Now let me get this, if you will pardon the expression, straight. No
weddings, not even he/she vows? The omnipotent clerk intends to end each
and every vow exchange provided by the city of Bakersfield. Never mind
your fiancé Judy or Johnny, you’ll have to leave town now even if you
want to marry your second cousin thrice removed.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that out of over fifty California
counties Bigot Barnett of B’field (has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it)
uncivil disobedience has inspired only one other county clerk to become
a fellow traveler, er, lawbreaker.
California, like every other state in the union, has plenty of fiscal
problems these days and newspapers statewide have been reporting how
much hard cash the new law will help bring municipalities. Caterers,
flower shops, jewelers, limo services, restaurant dining rooms and even
tuxedo rental services are all reporting an upswing in business. Seems
there’s a waiting list for folks who want to become bride and bride or
groom and groom.
Admittedly these new cash cows (bulls and/or heifers) probably wouldn’t
be enriching the county clerks office all that much but Joe’s Bakery
down the street always has room in the oven for the components of one
more wedding cake and the kah-ching it brings to his cash register makes
a lovely sound. Ms. Barnett acknowledged to a Los Angeles Times reporter
that she is being represented by the Alliance Defense Fund, “a Christian
law firm that is spearheading the fight against gay marriage.” She also
claims to be a Christian. “It affects everything. It affects who I am,”
she said. And, she added, “I’m just a county clerk out there trying to
do my job.” Fair/fare enough. But some unuttered something also (also
out there) begs the question; since when do county clerks need outside
legal representation?
Apparently in Kern County there is Christian behavior and then there is
Christian behavior that needs outside legal aid. Last week Kern County
Supervisor Ken Mayben put it more poetically than I can: “I think it
sucks,” he said. No report on what her nibs thought of his choice of
language.
Supervisor Mayben continued, "The fact is this is a service
that has been provided for a long time and to take away the rights of
any citizen because of your personal beliefs when you're a public
official is wrong."
My own feelings on same sex marriage? Why shouldn’t Gays have the
privilege of being as miserable as Straights?
That’s a pretty good laugh line but think a little about this: We live
in difficult times, nations, tribes, people in general are more at odds
with each other than we have ever been. If two people, whatever their
sexual persuasion find love and friendship with each other and desire to
legally cement that relationship –– with all that the word marriage
entails –– they ought to be encouraged not opposed.
What possible threat to so called traditional marriage can the
commitment of same sex couples have in the scheme of real every day
problems we all share and seek to overcome? Life is short, happiness
fleeting, gas is on its way to five bucks a gallon; take real joy where
you find it. And if you are fortunate enough to come upon a like mind
and heart that loves you, fight for that love and cherish it. Those who
condemn other people’s values out of hand are very often unsure of their
own.
If you do not like those who think differently than you do and don’t
want the bother of considering their viewpoint, avoid them. It would be
a much nicer world if we stayed out of each other’s bedrooms –– unless,
of course, we’re invited in.
In an article published in The New York Times on June 10th the writer
Tara-Parker Pope put it in a different perspective. Read on.
WORTH READING
GAY UNIONS SHED LIGHT ON GENDER IN MARRIAGE
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: New York Times, June 10, 2008
For insights into healthy marriages, social scientists are looking in an
unexpected place.
A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal
to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships. Most studies
show surprisingly few differences between committed gay couples and
committed straight couples, but the differences that do emerge have shed
light on the kinds of conflicts that can endanger heterosexual
relationships.
The findings offer hope that some of the most vexing problems are not
necessarily entrenched in deep-rooted biological differences between men
and women. And that, in turn, offers hope that the problems can be
solved.
Next week, California will begin issuing marriage licenses to same-sex
couples, reigniting the national debate over gay marriage. But
relationship researchers say it also presents an opportunity to study
the effects of marriage on the quality of all relationships.
“When I look at what’s happening in California, I think there’s a lot to
be learned to explore how human beings relate to one another,” said
Sondra E. Solomon, an associate professor of psychology at the
University of Vermont. “How people care for each other, how they share
responsibility, power and authority — those are the key issues in
relationships.”
The stereotype for same-sex relationships is that they do not last. But
that may be due, in large part, to the lack of legal and social
recognition given to same-sex couples. Studies of dissolution rates vary
widely.
After Vermont legalized same-sex civil unions in 2000, researchers
surveyed nearly 1,000 couples, including same-sex couples and their
heterosexual married siblings. The focus was on how the relationships
were affected by common causes of marital strife like housework, sex and
money.
Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far
more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women
did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the
financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex,
while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation
about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course,
none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to
share the burdens far more equally.
While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as
the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship
satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex
relationships can take a toll.
“Heterosexual married women live with a lot of anger about having to do
the tasks not only in the house but in the relationship,” said Esther D.
Rothblum, a professor of women’s studies at San Diego State University.
“That’s very different than what same-sex couples and heterosexual men
live with.”
Other studies show that what couples argue about is far less important
than how they argue. The egalitarian nature of same-sex relationships
appears to spill over into how those couples resolve conflict.
One well-known study used mathematical modeling to decipher the
interactions between committed gay couples. The results, published in
two 2003 articles in The Journal of Homosexuality, showed that when
same-sex couples argued, they tended to fight more fairly than
heterosexual couples, making fewer verbal attacks and more of an effort
to defuse the confrontation.
Controlling and hostile emotional tactics, like belligerence and
domineering, were less common among gay couples.
Same-sex couples were also less likely to develop an elevated heartbeat
and adrenaline surges during arguments. And straight couples were more
likely to stay physically agitated after a conflict.
“When they got into these really negative interactions, gay and lesbian
couples were able to do things like use humor and affection that enabled
them to step back from the ledge and continue to talk about the problem
instead of just exploding,” said Robert W. Levenson, a professor of
psychology at the University of California, Berkeley.
The findings suggest that heterosexual couples need to work harder to
seek perspective. The ability to see the other person’s point of view
appears to be more automatic in same-sex couples, but research shows
that heterosexuals who can relate to their partner’s concerns and who
are skilled at defusing arguments also have stronger relationships.
One of the most common stereotypes in heterosexual marriages is the
“demand-withdraw” interaction, in which the woman tends to be unhappy
and to make demands for change, while the man reacts by withdrawing from
the conflict. But some surprising new research shows that same-sex
couples also exhibit the pattern, contradicting the notion that the
behavior is rooted in gender, according to an abstract presented at the
2006 meeting of the Association for Psychological Science by Sarah R.
Holley, a psychology researcher at Berkeley.
Dr. Levenson says this is good news for all couples.
“Like everybody else, I thought this was male behavior and female
behavior, but it’s not,” he said. “That means there is a lot more hope
that you can do something about it.”
-© copyright The New York Times, 2008
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