SATURDAY
STUFF |
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"You scratch my back
& I'll scratch yours" by Bob Gentry
©2001 by Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Faith dignifies humanity with the promise of immortality.
After you've worked your way through Saturday's Stuff, take a nap or take a walk. Better still do something nice for someone who doesn't expect it.
GOD'S E-MAIL
My own personal Jane of Ark, Jan Hernandez contributed this shaggy E-Mail story
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel; to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going...
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Do you know what that E-mail said?
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Oh, You didn't get one either, huh?
ALL TOGETHER NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME OOOOMMMM
Hugs and Molly must have spent too much time at that Monastery in Tibet, or maybe not enough.
DAILY MOMENTS OF ZEN
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just get the hell out of here and leave me the hell
alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
1. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
THE LETTER HOME
Coral writes:
"This is an exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college."
Gee, I'll bet they were excited to hear from her.
DEAR MOM & DAD
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.
OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick
headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection, which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat
different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours, Your Loving Daughter
THE FIRST FRUIT OF THE LOOM
That well-known Biblical scholar Sonja sent this in. She signed it "Snickering Sonja," so I reckon it wasn't a very big leaf.
IT FELL FROM THE BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear."
THE LAST WORD
This is one of Edward's favorites.
SEEMS LOGICAL
A Texas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck. He says to the driver, "You got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
Join me tomorrow for "Some of the Best." Sleep warm.
1/14/2000 Previously unpublished
Details of Rod's upcoming concerts
and appearances can be obtained via the link below:
Rod
McKuen Concerts & Appearances
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