PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Thought for Today

Our springs are all confusing, our summers slow and easy, our autumns are a worry and our winters are too short.

 

It doesn’t get much better than Friday, except for Saturday & Sunday. Here’s some “stuff” from Ye Olde Post Box. Read on for what I hope will be a nice surprise for those of you stopping by tomorrow.

OH YES!

Jane loves puns – and she sent us one.

OH NO!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the
emergency brake."


BAD WORK DAY?

And, Jane says:

“Stop complaining about life not being fair."

THE PULSE OF THE NATION

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

RULES FOR REAL MEN

Nic Williams writes:

“Oh you boys are soooo macho!”

Ooh, you boys are soooo macho!

REAL MEN DO SPEAK KITCH

Guy Rules

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

11. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends
within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to
make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one).

12. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

20. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

21. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

29. When a Mate is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

30. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.


49 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL

Edward sends this with no comment.

AIN’T MARRIAGE GRAND!

A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I
kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess
that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that
money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

Hugs & Molly offer us a grim Fairy Tale

DADDY EXPLAINS IT ALL TO US

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams, the whole works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


A SATURDAY SURPRISE

Starting tomorrow ASPTL will, from time to time, offer free MPG downloads of selected tracks. Thanks to Eric Yeager who gave me an extraordinary present of several hundred of my recordings converted to MP3 I have quite a supply on hand.

“Soldiers Who Want to be Heroes” is one of the first two tracks I’ve chosen for downloading. Twenty years ago it topped the charts all over Europe (after The Gateway Trio’s version had been banned from radio in the USA in the early 60’s.) This version was recorded at the London Palladium and first appeared on the “Live in London” set before it was issued as a single. Who knows it might even have some current relevance.

The second song is a personal favorite, “Love, Let Me Not Hunger.” It was recorded with The London Philharmonic as part of the “Pastorale” sessions on November 10th, 1970 in London but another take of the song was included on the completed album. This version contains the verse which for me sets up the whole song. I overdubbed the vocal on it 24 years later on September 6th, 1994 in Hollywood for the “Early Harvest” CD. When “Pastorale” is finally re-released on disc this track and several unreleased songs will be included on the 2-disc set.

I hope you like the idea of being able to download songs in the future and that you’ll approve of my first two choices. Again you have Professor Yeager to thank for the downloads, he’s been urging me to make them available for years – while I stayed a bit behind the curve. I’ll be back tomorrow with the downloads and something else for Saturday. Sleep warm.

RM 10/18/01 Previously unpublished

THE FINAL WORD

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -Dan Rather

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Jack Anderson o Robert Beatty o Amy Carter o Divine o Sean Garrison o Jean Genet o Omar Gooding o Lloyd Haynes o Jennifer Holliday o Evander Holyfield o John Le Carre o John Lithgow o Tony LoBianco o Walter Mathews o Peter Max o Lewis Mumford o George Nader o Troy Parker o Robert Reed o Jeannie C. Riley o Johnny Stompanato
Rod's random thoughts Prosperity and happiness remain unrelated without charity.

A love that questions is not love.

Wisdom is the final meeting place of abstract thought.

VOCAL LESSONS

You want to sing.
I could make it so.
But would you
       sing for me ?

Not for my ears only,
but for my dissemination
to this world
and all the others,
but only after every note
was hummed and honed
to perfect pitch.

Each cadenza
ascended like a staircase,
me watching all the notes
forming in your chest
heaving upward
like a too-long suppressed sigh
until they reached
        and finally escaped
your so loved mouth.

Oh I could be a teacher
better than the best.
I’d have you singing
with your arms and legs
and all your body.
Your back no less
        than your full voice.

Every sparrow,
once he’s learned
       to serenade,
leaves the nest
and soars out on his own
                      to fly.

I ask no security,
no contract from you,
only that you let me
give to you
       another life.

Using just
the raw ingredients
of your sweet voice,
and a little time,
I’d have you singing
softer than the mother hen
                      at mealtime
louder than the radio
        inside the wall.

Hopefully long after
you had flown your cage
some trust in me
would still remain.
Even if the need was gone
I’d take my chances
       on the trust.

Did I read
in small print somewhere
in brief but pointed
              program notes
that you want to sing ?

I accept the challenge.
When do we begin ?

-from “Alone,”1975

 
© 1975, 1981, 1990, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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