SATURDAY STUFF

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment

A Thought for Today

Everything we do or say must be considered as only a moment in a continuing tradition; otherwise tradition dies.

 

It’s the weekend and time to once again share with you some of the ‘stuff’ that found its way to the bottom of my bird cage – I mean E mail box this past week

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

As usual and as befits Saturday hereabouts, Jane Hernandez has sent along an item that’s sure to generate negative feedback.

STRANDED

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in ménage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least ... the English aren't having any fun.


THE VALUE OF UNDIES

This one must be making the rounds because several people provided me with copies of it. It originated in The Sydney Morning Herald.

YOUR WEEKLY NEWS BRIEF

A couple drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her composure and standing back on her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.


GROANER OF THE WEEK

Sue Richardson may have hit a new low with this one.

OH NO! OH YES!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible!

"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No", she replies."........"




(Wait for it...)






(It's coming.............)







(The suspense is killing you........)







"You just happened to catch my eye."


THE NEW CHURCH

Ellen is telling tales out of Sunday School.

THE CONVERSATION

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in
and how well your ideas were going to work."

"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."

"Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started
singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the
parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!"

"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think you've
come up with another good idea." "However, the neon sign out front that says ''Toot 'n tell or go to hell" has to go!"


HONK IF YOU LOVE HONKING

Andrea Robb provides us with this week’s slogans.

BUMMER STICKERS

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Answer my prayers...Steal this car

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Boldly Going Nowhere

BROKE! Rob me only if you need the practice

Caution: I can go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Dyslexics have more nuf.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

i souport publik edekasion

I think you left the stove on.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

Jesus Loves You. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole

Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.


TIRED AND OVERWORKED

Joe Billings feels the pressure.

IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes...


WHO CIRCULATED THIS, THE NRA?

I got this from Rose . . . and if you believe it I’ve got a pair of Charlton Heston’s suspenders I’d like to sell you.

STATISTICS WE FIND HARD TO BELIEVE DEPT.

This is not to slam physicians, but to put things in perspective.
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171
(Source? U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year = 1,500
Accidental gun deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188 (U.S. (Source? Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)

You are approximately 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner. (So in other words scalpels don’t kill people, doctors with scalpels kill people.)


THE FINAL WORD

Rose has a mouth on her and sometimes the rhymes that come out of it are naughty, so remember I’m only the messenger.

Dr. Seuss on the Golden Years

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

I promise, starting here it gets better. See you tomorrow with “Some of the Best.” Sleep warm.

5/8/2001 Previously unpublished

Booking for "An Evening with Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for more details:

Riverton Concert Details

notable birthdays Glenn Close o Rita Davenport o Nora Ephron o Steve Ford o James Fox o Lorraine Hansberry o David Hartman o Grace Jones o Nancy Kwan o Malcolm X o Dame Nellie Melba o Ho Chi Minh o Peter Townsend o Stephen Young
Rod's random thoughts The shortest road to reason is thought.

Even blind men fear the dark until they come to understand it.

Friendship ill attainted will be ill-used.

BEACH HOUSE

With the stars
all stringing out and strung
and the half moon hung
                 and hanging,
hunger starts somewhere
within my belly.
It will not be gone
with bowls of guacamole,
        as it didn’t go
with friends and family
commiserating on my loss.

I elected
to come down
to this house
and to this beach
knowing that I couldn’t
leave all memory,
fact or fiction
in an overcoat at home.

Soon the crickets
will stop adding,
counting, summing up.

The heavy air will set all things
                to sleeping
and the steady rhythm
of this well-loved,
        well-known ocean
will conspire to keep us there.
That battle won,
another day makes ready
                 to arrive,
another night to follow.

More defeats
or maybe victories
        wait ahead.
I will have to meet
and battle each alone,
but the victory party
isn’t worth the having
if the celebrations done
in solitary.

Was there rehearsal,
a time of trying out
how many starts
        and stops occurred
before the balls
fell into place ?

Awhile back, I know,
but how far back
        and when?
The questions done
        and finally answered
I hope they’ll not
be asked again.

-from “The Sea Around Me,” 1975, 1976

 
© 1964, 1975, 1976, 1985, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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