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Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Everything we do or say must be
considered as only a moment in a continuing tradition; otherwise
It’s the weekend and time to
once again share with you some of the ‘stuff’ that found its way to the
bottom of my bird cage – I mean E mail box this past week
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
As usual and as befits
Saturday hereabouts, Jane Hernandez has sent along an item that’s sure to
generate negative feedback.
On a group of
beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following groups
of people are stranded:
2 Italian men
and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two
French men and the French woman are living happily together in ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone
to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one
long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are
awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for the store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the
American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm
trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother
is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're
satisfied because at least ... the English aren't having any fun.
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
This one must be making the
rounds because several people provided me with copies of it. It originated
in The Sydney Morning Herald.
YOUR WEEKLY NEWS BRIEF
drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his
shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her composure and standing back on her feet she looked across
the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
GROANER OF THE WEEK
Sue Richardson may have hit a
new low with this one.
OH NO! OH YES!
A man is
dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at
the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks
the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her
eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams
and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! Everything had been incredible!
"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies."........"
(Wait for it...)
(The suspense is killing you........)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
THE NEW CHURCH
Ellen is telling tales out of
priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You
know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions
about how you were going to fit in
and how well your ideas were going to work."
"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats,
I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with
young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."
"Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started
singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the
parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the
music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So,
once again I have to agree that you were right!"
"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to
admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people
coming to confession than ever. I think you've
come up with another good idea." "However, the neon sign out front that
says ''Toot 'n tell or go to hell" has to go!"
HONK IF YOU LOVE HONKING
Andrea Robb provides us with
this week’s slogans.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Answer my prayers...Steal this car
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Boldly Going Nowhere
BROKE! Rob me only if you need the practice
Caution: I can go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
i souport publik edekasion
I think you left the stove on.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
Jesus Loves You. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole
Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.
TIRED AND OVERWORKED
Joe Billings feels the
IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure
from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked!
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000
to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes...
WHO CIRCULATED THIS, THE NRA?
I got this from Rose . . . and
if you believe it I’ve got a pair of Charlton Heston’s suspenders I’d like
to sell you.
STATISTICS WE FIND HARD TO BELIEVE DEPT.
not to slam physicians, but to put things in perspective.
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171
(Source? U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year = 1,500
Accidental gun deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188 (U.S. (Source? Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)
You are approximately 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor
than a gun owner. (So in other words scalpels don’t kill people, doctors
with scalpels kill people.)
THE FINAL WORD
Rose has a mouth on her and
sometimes the rhymes that come out of it are naughty, so remember I’m only
Dr. Seuss on the Golden Years
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
I promise, starting here it gets better. See you tomorrow with “Some of
the Best.” Sleep warm.
Booking for "An Evening with
Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for
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