"You scratch my back
& I'll scratch yours" by Bob Gentry
©2001 by Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Deal gently with the absent.
There aren't enough Fridays in the week and while we're at it,
it wouldn't hurt to have another Sunday or so on the monthly calendar. There is, however more than enough things to pass along to you that might afford a smile or two to start your weekend.
POST TURTLE ELECT
"Is this a preview of things to
come?" wonders Dave Calhoun.
LAST SHRUB ITEM BEFORE THE INAUGURATION
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.
The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle."
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get
anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
THERE MAY BE ONE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
Nicky continues on the idiot watch and asks,
"HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?"
True story, I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?"
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries
it's a long walk".
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE...
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.
I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
21 THINGS TO REMEMBER FOR 2001
Sterling Silver gives good lists. Pass it around.
1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will get.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never "have it all together."
8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be happy."
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
This is not a Lawyer Joke, if you're a lawyer that is. It comes from Kenny.
A lawyer got out of his expensive sports car, when suddenly a truck came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage. "Officer, look what they've done to my car;" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic," retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car that you haven't even noticed your injured wrist!"
"Oh no," replied the lawyer looking down. "I broke my Rolex!."
DON'T TOUCH THAT BUTTON
Here's a program developed by Sharon that many of us could no doubt benefit from . . that is if we could stick to it.
THE TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and
plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
HOW DID I MISS THIS ONE?
This arrived from Mary in November. It must have been filed under Civil War instead of Civil Civics where it obviously belongs
CIVIL WAR REVISITED
CNN is reporting that it is revisiting the outcome of the CIVIL WAR. It appears that it was too close to call and the South may still have a chance.
Documents were found that support the fact that some people joined the wrong side -- apparently they weren't aware that their states were part of the South and they were fighting for the North.
The line between the North and South was "just too confusing" for some.
A recount of all the battles is being simulated with new populations via computer to see who would have actually won.
Right now it's still just too close to call.
PARDON ME, BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY GREY POUPON?
This was submitted by someone who asked me not to use her name. I can't understand why.
A MAN WALKS INTO A PHARMACY
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
SLOGANS FOR SLOW GUNS
Ellen is responsible for this bumper, er, bummer crop.
JESUS LOVES YOU...EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASS!
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU!
SAVE YOUR BREATH...YOU'LL NEED IT TO BLOW UP YOUR DATE!
SOME PEOPLE ARE ONLY ALIVE BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!
I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, BUT IT BROKE!
WANTED: MEANINGFUL OVERNIGHT RELATIONSHIP!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
GUYS: NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE.
GALS: NO SHIRT, NO CHARGE.
IMPOTENCE: NATURE'S WAY OF SAYING "NO HARD FEELINGS!"
HEART ATTACKS....GOD'S REVENGE FOR EATING HIS ANIMAL FRIENDS.
YOUR RIDICULOUS LITTLE OPINION HAS BEEN NOTED.
TRY NOT TO LET YOUR MIND WANDER. IT IS TOO SMALL TO BE OUT BY ITSELF!
THE PROCTOLOGIST CALLED. THEY FOUND YOUR HEAD.
EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY, SOME JUST DON'T HAVE FILM!
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. I CALL THESE PEOPLE: "EVERYBODY BUT ME!"
DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING? THEN QUIT WATCHING ME!
GUYS, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE ONE!
THE LAST WORD
This distinction belongs to Kyle today.
I'VE GOT THE HORSE RIGHT HERE
A race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. The
coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball
deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager
then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at the races!"
Join me tomorrow for "Saturday Stuff." Sleep warm.
RM 1/14/2001 Previously unpublished
Details of Rod's upcoming concerts
and appearances can be obtained via the link below:
McKuen Concerts & Appearances