Well not really, but a long time
ago [1971] I wrote a little book for POP [the Put On Press] with the above title. No
kidding. I can tell all now, I did it under the pseudonym of Swami Rami Salami and it was
translated from my native sand script [not Sanskrit.] by Harry Krishna. The book consisted
of questions and answers. Thought you might enjoy reading a few of them on a Friday. Well,
that and I’ll do almost anything toward the weekend not to write an original flight
plan. Here Goes:
Q: My house burned down, I lost my job, my wife was run over, my kid is in jail. How can I
go on?
A: The insurance should help.
 Q: I have acne. It’s confined to my nose.
A: Have you had your nose in somebody else’s business?
Q: I marched in a woman’s Lib parade and my boy friend
hasn’t spoken to me since.
A: Forget it. You’ll soon have three girl friends for every boy who’s turned you
down.
Q: What can I do with my sister?
A: With relaxation of state and national moral laws, almost anything.
Q: The kneeling benches in our church are full of
splinters. So are my panty hose.
A: Stand up for Jesus.
Q: I love my girl friend, but I keep getting this urge to
stab her foot with my Boy Scout knife.
A: See? Just like the scoutmaster said, that knife would come in handy one day.
Q: In school I have to write a paper on Moby Dick and I
can’t make any sense out of the silly book.
A: Well . . . it’s about this whale.
Q: My doctor says I should have one third of my stomach
removed or I will die. My faith does not allow surgery. What should I do?
A: Nothing. Time and your faith will take care of everything.
Q: I work in a mine 6 and a half days a week and get to sit
down on Sunday afternoons. Should I do the sitting in church, or do what I want to do
– stay home and soak my feet?
A: For the best of all possible worlds, take a bucket of water to church . . . or a Bible
to the bathtub.
Q: In a street riot last month, I threw a Molotov cocktail
that hit an old lady. Should I turn myself in?
A: Yes, into a human torch.
Q: My brother keeps putting his hand around my waist, you
know, in a funny place. P. S. I am a girl.
A: Either your brother has a large hand or you have a small waist.
Q: I have thirteen children and none of them send me
Christmas cards.
A: Are you Jewish?
Q: I have a neighbor who sneaks out at night after her
husband is asleep. Should I tell her about this?
A: Not while you’re making love.
Q: I try to run my house, raise my children, and give my
husband his beer and liverwurst. I also work 55 hours a week. Is it right that I feel
tired?
A: Camellias have died whilst we kneel by rosebuds to pray their bloom. (I don’t know
what the hell that means, but I thought I’d throw it in.)
Q: I am a young man and I seem to like boys better than
girls.
A: Everybody’s gotta be someplace.
Q: Hare Krishna.
A: Same to you, Buddy!
- From "Help! My Guru died, 1971, with new material 1998 |
