PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

Our language is our home.

 

Like many of the rest of you I’m cutting work early today to stand in line at the local theatre (in my case Mann’s Chinese) for one of the first showings of “Harry Potter.” Before leaving I promise you that today’s ‘end of the week stuff’ will inspire more than a few grins.

JUST ANOTHER LEPRECHAUN

Rose is going through her Irish Period.

FORE! NO, MAKE THAT THREE

A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!

"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun. "And if you let
me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"

"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.

The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three wishes! I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what should he wish for?

Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first
wish he wants to be a millionaire! And second -- let's make him a great golfer! And last -- ah! Let him have a wonderful sex
life.

A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man "How ye be doing?"

The man smiled and said "Hello, little friend. I be doing just
fine."

The leprechaun smiled back and said "And how's your money
situation, if you don't mind my askin'?"

"It's funny you should ask," replied the man. "An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"

"Hah! Is that so? And how's yer golf game now?"

"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks
I can't do worse than two under par!"

"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun
asked,"And how's yer sex life?"

The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed,
"Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."

The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!"

The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."


AH MEN! AH WOMEN!

Nicky Williams forwards are always pithy and very often withy, er, witty. This item reminds me of a lyric Bette Davis once sang in a review called “Two’s Company.” The song, “Just Like A Man” had lyrics by Ogden Nash and my favorite line from it is, “The day he went away he left the seat up, I’m too lonesome to put it down.”

YOU, LADY! USE YOUR OWN RAZOR

The fundamental differences between men and women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each
throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Most women love cats.

Most men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C'MON . blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, NOW


FAMILY LIFE

Jane Hernandez tells this crafty seasonal tale.

HELLO? HELLO!

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that you mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "

"Pop, what are you talking about? " the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her. "

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced, " she shouts, "I'll take care of this, " She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? " and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, " he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own way. "

GROANER OF THE WEEK

“I feel I should apologize for this one, but it did make me smile,” writes Ann Martin. You know what, she’s right.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE TOY FACTORY

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."


BUTTONS & BOWS

Rose is already starting to decorate her holiday packages . . . and what packages!

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO “JUST ROLL OVER?”

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon And ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home DRUNK from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, she troops off to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

Some time during the night the man wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"


I’ll be back tomorrow with something for Saturday, meanwhile
Sleep warm.

RM 11/16/01 Previously unpublished

notable birthdays Oksana Baiul o Lisa Bonet o Daws Butler o Gene Clark o Eddie Condon o Dwight Gooden o Clu Gulager o William Christopher Handy o Paul Hindemith o George S. Kaufman o David Leisure o Mary Margaret McBride o Fibber McGee (James Jordon) o Donna McKechnie o Burgess Meredith o Trevor Penick o Joanna Pettet o Martha Plimpton o Guy Stockwell
Rod's random thoughts Elegance will never replace truth.

I want to be owned by nothing I own.

Help is always on the way, but most of us keep our eyes closed.

CLOSER WATCH

1.
No speeches have been written for us
and so we never speak.
But still they move in front of me.
Unmet. Detached.
What common language
            could we know
        I wonder.
What words of sensibility are left.

Old hellos and salutations
now snap back through jaws
as easily as they jumped out.

Conversation
         if it lives somewhere
must be bitten off in Braille
or spoken in a code
but never passed
from hand to hand.

Do I sound as though
I’ve been out seeking love again?
I have.
                      But more.
I’ve seen it everywhere
and I go on seeing it.
In unmarked cars
        as well as underneath
a well-worn badge.
In faces not lit up by firelight
but glowing from the inside out.

I ache so much from love
I’ve seen but not yet shared
that I groan inside
      not from periodic hunger
but from habit.

Breathing
other than my own
can now make any room
as painful as unanswered prayers must be
for those to whom religion is the cord of life.

Once or twice
a face comes near,
and I look up
      and then look down.


2.
I am speaking here
to you and to
an unmet, unseen friend
who one day will fathom for me
yet another why.

Special mysteries
do not worry me as much
as what we do
to one another
beneath love’s seeming soft veneer
while acting out the actions
we’d have acted out on us.

Watching you rise up
on elbows at the beach
as the long, lean men
pass by in faded jeans,
I am suddenly aware of age.
Not mine, but yours.

You look to be
not fifty, but not fifteen any more
and though I’m not at odds
with wrinkles or with years
a love that grows old over night
can hardly be a source of comfort.

I know that there are kinds
of crooked looks and crow’s-feet
that modern make-up cannot hide.
And no reflected sun
however meaningful or kind
can screen away indifference
and the mind’s projection
past the now beloved’s eyes
to phantom figures down the street.

These things are all so true
that lovers know them always
without the benefit
           of any prophet’s eye.

The sawdust made
by two lives rubbed together
is as useless in the cover up
of changing feelings
as the kind spread thinly
on the floors of butcher shops
to blot out blood
          and drying entrails
from the housewives’ view.

At sunset faces suffer jaundice
even if the eyes
take on a keener glow.

Losing love again
causes me to wonder
if this habit is just that, a habit
not another stop
along this highway
where lately, only lately,
the end has been in sight.

Is it to be ever true
that all the lovers
meant to crowd one lifetime
will on sunshine days
become excited by what might be
instead of what it was
the first time out
that made them notice us?

- from "Fields of Wonder", 1971

 
© 1971, 1984, 1988, 1999, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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