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A Thought for Today
We spend our entire lives amassing experience only to finally be told we're too old for the job.
Today's Pass It Along's come from as near as up the California Coast and as far away as Scotland and Australia.
FORTIES GREATEST HITS
If you think people's views on the political scene change, get a load of this item sent to me by Wes Fish, who writes:
"Found these two items in a box at my parents' house in the desert. Since they were together, I would guess they are from about 1948. If the Internet and email had been around then, these would surely have been on the rounds. I was a bit too young to vote then, so this does not reflect my personal feelings one way or the other. Enjoy."
. . .AS I WAS SAYING
Dear Fellow Citizen:
I have the pleasure of being a member of a committee to raise fifty billion dollars to be used for placing a statue of Truman in the "Hall of Fame" in Washington D. C.
We have not decided not to tease it by placing it next to Washington - who never told a lie, nor next to Lincoln, who was known as Honest Abe. It should not, either, be put next to Thomas Jefferson who served a third term. The committee was in quite a quibble. But after much and careful deliberation we decided to put it next to Columbus who didn't know where he was going; did not know where he was when he got there; didn't know where he had been when he returned; and did it all on borrowed money.
The manuscript to be put on the Statue will read; "I pledge allegiance to Harry S. Truman, and to the independence for which he stands, one man indispensable, with corruption for all".
Five thousand years ago Moses said, "Pick up thy shovel, mount the ass and camel, and I will take you to the Promised Land". Five thousand years later Truman said, "Lay down thy shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel, because this is the Promised Land." If you are one of those who have any money left after taxes have been paid, we will expect a liberal contribution from you immediately. Yours truly,
Dear Dr. Anthony: (Editors note: "Ask Dr. Anthony" was a popular radio show of the period and listeners wrote letters to the good doctor much as they do to Ann & Abbey these days.)
I am a sailor in the United States Navy, and I also have a cousin who is a Democrat. My father has epilepsy and my mother has syphilis, so neither of them works. They are totally dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Louisville, because my only brother is serving a life term in prison for rape and murder.
I am in love with a streetwalker who operates near our base. She knows nothing of my family background but says that she loves me. We intend to get married as soon as she settles her bigamy case, which is now in court. When I get out of the Navy we intend to move to Detroit and open a small "house".
My problem, Mr. Anthony, is this: In view of the fact that I intend to make this girl my wife and bring her into my family, should I, or should I not, tell her about my cousin who is a Democrat?
(signed) G. Whizz
MAXIMS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
Ellen's thoughts are not quite as random as mine, but they certainly come to the point.
AIN'T THAT THE WAY
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him...
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
DON'T REMIND ME
Sharon writes:
"Hi, Rod! Some cute blonde jokes here, but please do not confuse them with this blonde sender, after all, you were blonde once-upon-a-time too!"
I
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast was clear."
II
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
III
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the bed with this redhead. She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
IV
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
V
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
YE OLDE ANIMAL GROANERS
This was submitted by Coral (that's Coral- not Carol) Drouyn.
ANIMAL CRACKERS
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around
and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, "Be gabbers, He's right... Farty-two!"
###
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched
for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his
disappearance on the radio and television as well as the
newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library.
They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room
with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was
reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible;
the other written by Darwin.
The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am
my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
PREACHERS & POLITICIANS
Sonja writes:
"Somehow I think this fits with the "pass the buck" scheme of politics. Am I wrong? Awe who cares, here it is!"
Ah, Sonja, would that all politicians were as smart as this preacher.
THE DEAD MULE
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
SHRUBISM'S
Actual statements uttered by The President Elect.
"More and more foreign oil comes from overseas"
"The future is coming."
THE LAST WORD
"Last week President Clinton commuted the death sentence of a federal prison for six months. Must be a house warming present for George Dubya." Jay Leno
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