Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
You get a lot more if you're willing to settle for a lot less.
Friday is as good a time as any to clean out your e-mail box, Here's a few
things found at the bottom of e-mail boxes everywhere and so I pass them along to you.
MAY I HELP YOU?
Lady Bren Provides us with the latest story
from "the Help Line" desk and adds "This is a true story from the Word
Perfect Help Line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired (I think he should have been
given a raise); however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
"Termination without cause."
Do You Have A Screwdriver?
Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect
Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)
Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help
you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and
all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look
like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything
when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did
you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the
screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor
around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you,
it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it
that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the
monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug,
and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did
you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look
back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's
plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the
right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and
the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power
failure."
"A power. A power failure? Aha, Okay,
we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your
system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What
do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a
computer."
ORDER IN THE COURT
Scoutmaster Wes has issued a document that
I'm surprised didn't wind up with Judge Judy. On the other hand perhaps it should be sent
to David Kelly for "Ally McBeal" or "The Practice."
The Seventh Month . . .
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a
bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing! She complained to the driver
and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked
the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it
was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She
sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling" and I had to grin. "Then she placed herself under a sign that said
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. "BUT
... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."
"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
I GROAN, THEREFORE I AM
Not one, but two 'in flight" groaners
this week from Doug and Mindy
Fly The Friendly Skies . . .
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can
get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is
using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle,
and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers
look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating
rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20
feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a
sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Early Bird Flight . . .
As migration approached, two elderly
vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When
they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead
raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons
through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the
vultures. "They're carrion."
TEXAS GROANER
A final groan, or is it a gasp, from Sean
and Mindy.
Ouch!
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in
the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy
weighing 20 pounds." Bravos and Congratulations shower him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The
bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20
pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten
pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned.
"Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his
long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
GAS IS CHEEP
Raymond wants to remind us that gas isn't
as expensive as we think it is. And, he might have a point. He says, "People have
been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought
that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax
off at the pump)!
Obviously others need a little convincing.
So the article in this weeks "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light."
Gas The Other Colorless Liquid . . .
What if you were to buy a gallon of.......
* Diet Snapple 16 oz. for $1.29 = $10.32
per gallon
* Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52
per gallon
* Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per
gallon
* Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per
gallon
* Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per
gallon
* Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per
gallon
* STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60
per gallon
* Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per
gallon
* Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per
gallon
* Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per
gallon
* Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per
gallon
You get the idea. So next time you're at
the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope!
IT'S A SIGN OF THE TIMES
This isn't the first time Bablaca has sent
us one of his sign collections, but it's one of his most diverse.
Caution: Men At Woik!
- At truck stops throughout the country:
Eat here and get gas
- In a Florida maternity ward. No Children
Allowed
- In a toy department. Five Santa Clauses
-- No waiting!
- On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
- In a funeral parlor--Ask about our
layaway plan
- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears
pierced while you wait
- In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are
prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
- On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is
under water, this road is impassable.
- On a roller coaster: Watch your head
- On a radiator repair garage: Best place
to take a leak.
- On a New York convalescent home: For the
sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance
store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
- Outside a country shop: We buy junk and
sell antiques.
OH MEN, OH WOMEN
Bill says, "Rod: Some of us never
learn. At least not the driver in this story. Enjoy, Bill
Danger: Soft Shoulders
A man is driving up a steep, narrow
mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window
and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men
would listen.
DO THE MATH
Nicky has always had a fascination with
numbers; well she's certainly done her math on this one.
Two And Two Makes Four . . .
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to
his wife: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home
before midnight. Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a
faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years
old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the
18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into
54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up. Your Wife
FINALLY, SOME BUMMER STICKERS
Huffy calls these "the top Bumber
Stickers from around the world" All I can add to that is, Don't blame the messenger,
I just pass 'em along.
Rude And Crude Bummer Stickers .
. .
Constipated People Don't Give
A Crap
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw
Yourself
Saw It. Wanted It. Had A
Fit... Got It!
If You Don't Believe In Oral
Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Please Tell Your Pants it's
Not Polite To Point
If That Phone Was Up Your
Butt, Maybe You Could Drive Better
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll
Student Pregnant
To All You Virgins Thanks For
Nothing
If At First You Don't
Succeed...Blame Someone Else
Impotence: Nature's Way Of
Saying "No Hard Feelings"
If You Can Read This, I've
Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken... Watch For
Finger
It's Not How You Pick Your
Nose, But Where You Put The Booger
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid,
Get Off My Ass
You're Just Jealous Because
The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God...
Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If
It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So
Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A
Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They
All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I
Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die
Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates, Is Not Only
Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of
Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies
Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am
I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To
Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's
Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, The
Bitch Fell Off...[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
If You Can Read This, Please
Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen at a Restaurant]
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass,
Then You're Doing It Wrong
Remember: StopLights timed for
35mph are also timed for 70mph
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If Walking Is So Good For You,
Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That
Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By
Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution - Driver Legally
Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate
That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An
Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man
Travel Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With
Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
Money Isn't Everything, But It
Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Special thanks to Lady Bren, Wes, Doug,
Mindy, Sean, Raymond, Bablaca, Bill, Nicky and Huffy for today's "Stuff." If you
have something worth passing along or want to make a comment, drop me a line care of rod@mckuen.com See you tomorrow for a sentimental
Saturday. Meanwhile, sleep warm.
- RM 10/14/99 Previously unpublished |
