PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Elegance is the ability to make the plain
Here we go again! Time to
clean out the e-mail box.
CHICKEN LITTLE HAD IT RIGHT
Nicky Williams offers a word
of caution but says:
THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING
Scientists at 'British Aerospace' built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airlines, military jets, and other
transportation traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
French engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new TGV high-speed trains. Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to the French engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified French engineers sent 'British Aerospace' the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the designs of the TGV windshield
and the British scientists for suggestions. 'British Aerospace' responded
with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken".
FATHER KNOWS BEST
Wendy Ryan sent along
something that parents all know but young swains testing their
testosterone ought to keep in mind.
DAD’S RULES OF
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down Parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are
to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks' homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Janice has more sign language
to pass along.
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
Edward takes this week’s
READ ME FIRST!
This ad appeared in the
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. The unfortunately photographic illusion was
quickly noticed (look at the bike seat) and action was taken to correct
the advertisement, but not before the image made it to the newsstand.
Perhaps they should have used a bike seat that was not tan in color. This
was also featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
MOUSE IN THE HOUSE
George Clooney has been
checking out his Mac and says:
know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer
IS THAT A PALM PILOT IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU
JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?
wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to
check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN
Joe Billings writes:
following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police
on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on
the particulars of the accident in their own words. Here are some
OH! THAT EXPLAINS THINGS!
Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
• Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
• Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
* Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then
went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
* Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car
* Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants and was on my way home. As
I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision so I
didn’t see the other car.
* Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had the accident.
* Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my
car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he
bounced off the hood of my car.
* Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my
right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
* Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned
the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different
direction going the opposite way.
* Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual
manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been
struck several times before.
* Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when
my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in
the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and
there was a crash.
* Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was
unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
* Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
* Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle
* Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
* Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the roadway when I struck him.
* Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the
gas and crashed into the other car.
* Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran
* Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.
* Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the
A GOD GROANER?
Terri Messier writes:
resist sending this.”
OK, Terri I can’t resist
printing it, but the objections are bound to louder than the groans.
Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before
St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of
them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says,
"Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm
sure it will please God to be able to see them
every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and says, "Thanks Dolly. That's a bit iffy. I
kinda doubt that you made it. You wait right here. I need to talk to "The
Turning to Her Majesty, the angel asks her the same question. The Queen
drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you
may go right on in".
Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene
and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush
beats two of a kind."
THE FINAL WORD
And, it belongs to Rita
Bartlow this week.
THE NEW SERENITY PRAYER
grant me the senility to forget those people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the
Tomorrow is Sentimental Saturday and time for another Love Letter Unsent.
RM 6/14/2001 Previously
appearance dates just announced!
Booking for "An Evening with
Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for
Concert & Appearance Details