PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

Elegance is the ability to make the plain more interesting.

 

Here we go again! Time to clean out the e-mail box.

CHICKEN LITTLE HAD IT RIGHT

Nicky Williams offers a word of caution but says:

“I’m not afraid.”

THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING

Scientists at 'British Aerospace' built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airlines, military jets, and other transportation traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

French engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new TGV high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the French engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified French engineers sent 'British Aerospace' the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the TGV windshield and the British scientists for suggestions. 'British Aerospace' responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken".

FATHER KNOWS BEST

Wendy Ryan sent along something that parents all know but young swains testing their testosterone ought to keep in mind.

DADDY RULES!

DAD’S RULES OF DATING

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down Parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


SIGN LANGUAGE

Janice has more sign language to pass along.

RECENT POSTINGS

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


PICTURE OF THE WEEK

Edward takes this week’s honors.

READ ME FIRST!

This ad appeared in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. The unfortunately photographic illusion was quickly noticed (look at the bike seat) and action was taken to correct the advertisement, but not before the image made it to the newsstand. Perhaps they should have used a bike seat that was not tan in color. This was also featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

THERE’S A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE

George Clooney has been checking out his Mac and says:

“You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when......”

IS THAT A PALM PILOT IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!


ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

Joe Billings writes:

“The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Here are some examples."

OH! THAT EXPLAINS THINGS!

• Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

• Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

• Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

* Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

* Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

* Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.

* Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.

* Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision so I didn’t see the other car.

* Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

* Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

* Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

* Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.

* Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

* Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

* Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

* Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.

* Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

* Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

* Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

* Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

* Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

* Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

* Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.


A GOD GROANER?

Terri Messier writes:

“I couldn’t resist sending this.”

OK, Terri I can’t resist printing it, but the objections are bound to louder than the groans.

HEAVENLY DAYS

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says,

"Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them
every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and says, "Thanks Dolly. That's a bit iffy. I kinda doubt that you made it. You wait right here. I need to talk to "The Queen."

Turning to Her Majesty, the angel asks her the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go right on in".

Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush
beats two of a kind."

THE FINAL WORD

And, it belongs to Rita Bartlow this week.

THE NEW SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the senility to forget those people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Tomorrow is Sentimental Saturday and time for another Love Letter Unsent. Sleep warm.

RM 6/14/2001 Previously unpublished

Two new appearance dates just announced!

Booking for "An Evening with Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for more details:

Concert & Appearance Details

notable birthdays Yuri Andropov o Courtney Cox Arquette o Jim Belushi o Robert Russell Bennett o Robert Cohen o Mario Cuomo o Brian Eno o Erroll Garner o Terri Gibbs o Edvard Grieg o Julie Hagerty o Neil Patrick Harris o Xavier Hollander o Helen Hunt o Waylon Jennings o William McFee o Dina Meyer o Johann Nel o Harry Nilsson o Geoffrey Parsons o Thomas Randolph o John Sample o Ernestine Schumann-Heink o Morris K. Udall
Rod's random thoughts Love doesn't call for caution, as life does not depend on one man's way of living it.

Build a better mousetrap and the world will furnish you with a better breed of rat.

Pray. When the spirit moves you; or when it doesn't, and it will.

TWO POEMS & A PARAGRAPH

Write Me a Poem

Write me a poem.
Make me a song.
Tell me a story
I don’t yet know.
Speak to me slowly
of fire and Friday
and tell me how nice it is
       walking alone.
Not reassurance
but reason I need
for spring’s at the window
slowing the day down.

So write me a poem
using few words
my span of attention
is five lines, no more.

-from “Hand In Hand,” 1977

Spring Interlude

Maybe all the promises
        don’t come true
but whoever said they did?

Spring finally came, didn’t it?
Even though the lilacs were late
       they finally came.

Give me a little more time
give us a little while longer.
Look, there are sparrows on the lawn.

-from “Celebrations of the Heart,” 1975

Courage - 30 March, 1980, N.Y.C., 2:00 PM

Courage rises up against the darkest wave.
It floats and flies beyond the foam.
Part of the watermark of man
that includes in no special order,
kindness, strength, courtesy and gentleness.
It stays somewhere between honesty and love.
And is no less a part of what we are or should be
than simplicity and straightforwardness
continues as the hallmark of artistry and genius.

Not to be aware of courage in others
and the need for it within your own daily life
is to cheat yourself or close yourself from truth.

-from Folio No.30

 
© 1975, 1977, 1980, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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