PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

We spend our entire lives amassing experience only to finally be told we're too old for the job.

 

You don’t have to be quite as bent as I am to enjoy the following Friday items, but being a little warped couldn’t hurt.

GOING UP

Ellen writes:

“This is why I prefer the escalator.”

THIRD FLOOR! NOTIONS, LOTIONS, SOAP ON A ROPE

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, " 7 feet tall, 350lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says," When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Hugs & Molly write:

“For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.”

MAY I HELP YOU?

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

"The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, and her voice heard clearly throughout the Terminal, “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***
You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

SALAD DAYS

Coral says:

“This one is cute and clean, how often can you say THAT!"

FEATS DON’T FAIL ME NOW

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

PEACE IN OUR TIME

It takes Sue sitting on her laurels in far off Monte Carlo to put the Middle East in perspective this week.

WELL, IT’S ABOUT THIS WHALE

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a friggin’ wall."


BLESS ME FATHER

Lord knows Ann tries her best to bring a little religion into this season.

FOR I SKINNED MY SHIN

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The priest replied, "I am a Father."

The little boy then stated, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest who was now getting very impatient said, "I am the father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly, but upon leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."


GOD SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DOG

Dave says:

"Hi Rod- these are funny because they're probably true!"

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God: May I have my testicles back?


See you tomorrow with something for Saturday.

RM 12/13/2001

THE FINAL WORD

Today it belongs to SharonAnn.

“A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damm!"

notable birthdays Morey Amsterdam o Frances ("Aunt Bee") Bavier o Jane Birkin o Marilyn Cooper o Dan Dailey o Patty Duke o George Furth o Don Hewitt o Shirley Jackson o Spike Jones o Abbe Lane o Nostradamus o Michael Owen o Lee Remick o Charlie Rich o Margaret Chase Smith o Carol Widel

And a very special birthday wish to a lady in a class by herself, Geraldine Robinson

Rod's random thoughts Looking backward helps us to go forward with a sense of purpose.

Cybersex is akin to a cheap vacuum cleaner, all blow and no suction.

Christmas is more like spring than winter; and because the name itself means mass for Christ, there isn't any reason this holiday or holy day should not be celebrated all year long.

TOMORROW
1963 Christmas Card

I know that love is running in the snow.
I cannot see it but it's there.
As sure as caterpillars tunnel in the leaves
and winter weight bogs down the trees.

And so I search the highways and the hills.

                    There was a time
when bar talk and Bartok did the job
and I would hurry home -
      a stranger in my arms or in my thoughts
to be content with San Francisco rain.

You'd be surprised
the way the dripping rain from rooftops
can ease a man from out himself
                     and into sun.

We're all older now,
This past year we have lost Piaf's smile,
                    Kennedy's promises
and Cocteau's jokes on everyone
(he said the ship was going down - remember.)

The year turns home.

Maybe tomorrow.

-from "Twelve Years of Christmas," 1969

 
© 1963, 1969, 1976, 1998, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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