PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
We spend our entire lives amassing
experience only to finally be told we're too old for the job.
You don’t have to be quite as
bent as I am to enjoy the following Friday items, but being a little
warped couldn’t hurt.
GOING UP
Ellen writes:
“This is
why I prefer the escalator.”
THIRD FLOOR! NOTIONS, LOTIONS, SOAP ON A ROPE
Mike
goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing
next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, " 7
feet tall, 350lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and
shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to
me?"
The big dude says," When I saw the curious look on your face, I just
figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
THE FRIENDLY SKIES
Hugs & Molly write:
“For all
of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is
for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.”
MAY I HELP YOU?
A
crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.
"The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, and her voice
heard clearly throughout the Terminal, “We have a passenger here at Gate
14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***
You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that too."
SALAD DAYS
Coral says:
“This
one is cute and clean, how often can you say THAT!"
FEATS DON’T FAIL ME NOW
A man
walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy
ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here."
"Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
PEACE IN OUR TIME
It takes Sue sitting on her
laurels in far off Monte Carlo to put the Middle East in perspective this
week.
WELL, IT’S ABOUT THIS WHALE
A
journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking
the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview
subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to
the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done
that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here
to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and
for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back
and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And
very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the
Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a friggin’ wall."
BLESS ME FATHER
Lord knows Ann tries her best
to bring a little religion into this season.
FOR I SKINNED MY SHIN
A little
boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had
his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that
way.
The priest replied, "I am a Father."
The little boy then stated, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest who was now getting very
impatient said, "I am the father of hundreds" and went back to reading his
book.
The little boy sat quietly, but upon leaving the bus he leaned over and
said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."
GOD SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DOG
Dave says:
"Hi Rod-
these are funny because they're probably true!"
DOG LETTERS TO GOD
Dear
God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love
a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to
get in?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing,
again?
Dear God: May I have my testicles back?
See you tomorrow with something for Saturday.
RM 12/13/2001
THE FINAL
WORD
Today it belongs to SharonAnn.
“A friend of
mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids,
but she doesn't give a damm!"
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