PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
The best reproach is always given with kind words and a smile.
In case you have an acute case of triskaidekaphobia here’s a smile or two that might help keep your mind free of black cats, sidewalk cracks and ladders you’re forced to walk under today.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE
Perhaps Nicky Williams is unaware that Henny Youngman has passed on to that Great Comedy Club in the Sky, still she manages to invoke his spirit perfectly in the following.
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
Because they want to.
My wife and I have the secret to making our marriage last: Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake." She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ...I said, 'Dust!"
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
Jane Hernandez is a people watcher. Once again she dons her reporter’s hat and gives us a report on . . .
A stockbroker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding away. Distraught, the broker grabs his mobile and calls the cops.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the broker starts screaming hysterically "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the stockbroker finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you stockbrokers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the broker. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The stockbroker looks down in absolute horror. “Oh My God, he screams, "where's my Rolex?"
THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
Mary Davis is a new contributor to Pass It Along and this shaggy dog tail (er, tale) is a worthy effort.
A man is sitting in a plane that is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats a long side of him. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He then tells the dog "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." Then turning to the first man he confides, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of it, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again the dog is sent to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man, “what a talented dog.”
Once again the dog is dispatched to continue his search. Rover goes up and down the plane aisles and after a while sits down next to someone. This time he only stays a minute and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this and asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
EXCUSE ME, WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?
“With so many Southerners in your following I thought you might enjoy this.....and with all the reports of your "demise" over the years, I found your sign (Possum) fitting. Love and more, tara"
THE SOUTHERN ZODIAC
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Although you appear crude,
you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back
over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from Moon pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from
humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make
something of himself if he's motivated and has lots
of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful.
They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20): You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you
are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in his or her right mind is going to marry
you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20): You're the type that
spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here. You should
marry anybody who you can get remotely interested
in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be
the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21): When confronted with
life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably
not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work and you may find
your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water
sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the
beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not
particularly attractive physically, but you have
very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a
genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the
essence of those around them. Collards make good
social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you
are a Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just
won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are
traditionalists in matters of the heart, although ones
whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
catfish are never easy people to understand. You
prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be
with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel
though, so maybe you should think about joining a
club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have
cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can
go somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a
passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your
friends and loved ones - may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism
will probably affect you deeply because you are
really much softer than you appear. You should go
right ahead and marry anybody you want to because
in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
road of life, you can be sure that people will always
pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a
Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home
no matter what the setting. You can sit next to
anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything
to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency
to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some
roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today. You're
really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior
patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo,
but Possum is another mating possibility.
WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE
Hugs and Molly take us back to the doghouse.
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?” Her mother replies, "No, because she is in
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and
says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad says, "Bring Belle over here." The little girl did as she was told and her dad took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it . "Okay, he said, you can
go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl replied, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
OH NO! OH YES
Nicky continues, but far be it from me to stop her.
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
her bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big - ass grill for one little weenie?"
THE FINAL WORD
These have been selected from the “Joe’s Blues”
In case you missed these pearls of wisdom from our sitting duck, I mean president.
"Russia is no longer our enemy and therefore we shouldn't be locked into a Cold War mentality that says we keep the peace by blowing each other up. In my attitude, that's old, that's tired, that's
stale." Des Moines, Iowa, June 8,
"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious. I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." Miami, Fla., June 4, 2001
"It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." Remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, Washington, D.C., May 31, 2001
"Our nation must come together to unite." Tampa, Fla., June 4, 2001
A REMINDER TO OUR EUROPEAN FRIENDS
After two concerts Sunday
afternoon in Wiggins, England at Mill at The Pier, Frank Sinatra Jr. & The Woody Herman Band head for Stockholm and a performance that begins at 8:30 PM in The Berns Hotel Ballroom.
Tomorrow it’s Sentimental Saturday around these parts and I’ll be checking in with some feedback and #9 in the series “A Love Letter Unsent.” Sleep warm.
RM 7/12/2001 Previously unpublished
Rod McKuen concert and
appearance details can be obtained via the link below.
Concert & Appearance Details