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A Thought for Today

Your tongue will never influence anyone until you learn how to influence your tongue.

 

Once a week around these parts, after cleaning out the bottom of the birdcage, it’s time to do the same with the e-mail box. Here are a few of the items we found lurking in the far corners.

FORGET ME NOT

Sharonann Sewell knows where there’s a will, there is a way.

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in it:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong.

Hi Dan!"

E-MAIL PITCH OF THE WEEK

What follows is an unaltered message in its entirety. Only the links and addresses have been omitted to save your precious time.

A DIET COOKIE FROM AOL

“You’ve seen ads for losing weight. You’ve seen ads for winning cash. We want to help you do BOTH and at the SAME time!

Sign up to receive diet and nutrition-related news and win $5,000.00 CASH! If you have a perfect body and don’t need more money, this is not for you. But for the rest of us…this is just what we’ve been waiting for!

A Personal Weight-Loss Plan will be set up just for you and the Diets Professional Support Team will be with you every step of the day. If you don’t do it for your health, do it for the MONEY. If you don’t do it for the money, do it for your HEALTH. You do lose either way! (Huh?)

Click here to read a true testimonial and get started on YOUR success story! Dr Wilson, Diet-Flow-Go.”


TURN OF THE SCREWDRIVER

Jane Hernandez shares another story with an O’Henry ending.

BASEBALL IS FOREVER

Two ninety-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go,
somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight, a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe ... Moe ..."

"Who is it?", says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?", says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!"

AND FROM NINETY YEAR OLD MEN WE TURN TO...

Diane Jardinami writes:

I am turning 50 this month and I already can relate...what will I be like at 94?

YOU’RE FINE, HOW AM I?

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL

This for all my friends....I hope we have ALL reached this place without too much pain. That means we're free to truly love ! Love and huggggggs Coral

AFTER AWHILE by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And, you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. You even learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

You really can endure, you really are strong and you really do have worth.


WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

This short and sweet item arrived from Loisjean.

IT AIN’T A MAGNET

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal."


“AHHHH, SOOOO!”

writes Joyce Hacker, “this explains a lot.”

THE WAY IT WORKS

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the
communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots."

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President or Mr.Congressman."


A LITTLE ONE

Nicky Williams says:

“This really made me laugh, hope it makes you laugh too. Don't get me wrong, I love elephants, but, it is only a joke".

IT WAS THIIIIS BIG!

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead
elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

See you tomorrow with ‘Something for Saturday.’ Sleep warm.

RM 10/11/2001 Previously unpublished

THE FINAL WORD

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -Henry Kissinger

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Susan Anton o Kirk Cameron o Coral Drouyn o Milo Frank o Dick Gregory o Hugh Jackman o Marion Jones o Daliah Lavi o Sally Little o Perle Mesta o Luciano Pavarotti o Adam Rich o Joan Rivers o Al Smith o Chris Wallace o Ralph Vaughn Williams
Rod's random thoughts Excess in moderation is just fine.

Peace is in the practice.

I can forgive anything but a lack of kindness.

THOSE WHO FOUND THE TIME

My vision
of a lilac world
is held in trust for me
by friends
who’ll never know
              they’re friends.
And lovers I’ve held
        only once.

I’d let them know, but how ?
I’d fit them in, but when ?
Still no one’s needs
        are that of being
               fitted in.

Every man demands
his full round
share of time.

But on those few
who’ve found the time
       to fit me in,
schedule me somehow
within their crowded lives.
They are remembered
       almost daily.
At night
each of them returns
every bit as real
as lilac smells
       on April days.

-from 1972 Rod McKuen Animal Concern Calendar

 
© 1971, 1972, 1988, 1999 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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