Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment
A Thought for Today
I have decided to put off until next year my New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating.
Friday and you know what that means, you can either read the following or power down and sneak out early.
DUMB CROOK OF THE WEEK
Bablaca found this week's choice.
Robbery Suspect Wasn't Exactly Flush After The Heist
The plan was one part greed and one part stupidity. In the end, it was all wet. According to Columbus police, a man robbed a North Side bank yesterday, hid the money in a nearby drugstore toilet -- then called the store an hour later to ask whether the money was still there.
FORTY WINKS +
(from the Birmingham Sunday Mercury
7th Jan 2001):
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR FIVE DAYS
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
THOUGHTS FROM CHAIRPERSON ELLEN
Ellen sent these along. The subject is familiar, but the thoughts seem fresh.
A TIME FOR EVERYTHING
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
Some people try to turn back their odometers ... not me ... I want people to know why I look like this. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when your former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, and bald that they don't recognize you.
Young men want to be faithful and are not. Old men want to be faithless and cannot.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN, OR BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK
Roseoeire's house arrest is almost over and so she's passing along some useful information that might help you avoid the same fate.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO POLICE OFFICERS
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
GET THAT ARMADILLO OUT OF YOUR MOUTH . . .
Lady Bren has been checking out our diets again.
. . . YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. You can get parasites from raw fish (Bette Midler claims that's how she got so skinny.)
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
THIS SHOULD KEEP THE LITTLE TWITS BUSY, HONEY
Coral whispered these Bon Mots in Dwight's ear.
MY BROTHER TALKS TO HORSES
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snails pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door. When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, "I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death."
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hatcheck girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"
A man was invited by his friends to spend a night with "the boys". He promised his wife that he would be home by midnight, but the hours passed and the beer was flowing. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, he realized his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, finding a quick witty solution, even when smashed, that would avoid a possible conflict with his wife.
The next morning his wife asked what time he got in, and he told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew!" he thought, "got away with that one!"
Then his wife said that they needed to buy a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then belched."
THE VALUE OF MONEY
Sterling Silver has a proposition for all of you & it proves they don't call her Sterling for nothing.
HERE'S THE DEAL
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!
See you tomorrow with some Saturday Stuff. Sleep warm.
RM 01/11/2001 Previously unpublished.
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and appearances can be obtained via the link below:
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