PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

Even if great men don’t shake hands they never disparage one another.

 

WHO RAY for Friday. Time to pass a smile or two around.

ONCE UPON A TIME

Nicky Williams offers a Grim Fairy tale.

CINDERELLA

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"


OLDIES BUT GOODIES DEPT.

Hugs and Molly have been reading Joe Miller’s Joke Book again.

READ THE CARD

When you are hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, especially when you are feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees ... but the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature".

After complaining for several minutes he finally settled down and crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I'm sorry, “ the nurse stated, "but for this reading I can't have an oral thermometer". This started another round of complaints but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce " I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past in the hallway laughing.

After almost an hour, the mans Dr. came into the room. “What's going on here?” the doc asked.

Angrily the man answers, "What's the matter , doc? Haven't you seen someone having their temperature taken?”

“Yes,” said the doctor. "but never with a carnation"


ONCE UPON A TIME, 2

Jack Goodwin’s turn at Fairy Tales.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,
stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas,
once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking you pervert?


FOR SALE CHEAP

Ann Martin has been reading the classifieds again

STOCK UP & SAVE! LIMIT ONE!.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.


ONCE UPON A TIME, 3

Our third Grim Fairy tale arrived from Pat.

DAYS & NIGHTS AT THE ROUND TABLE

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. (See why I call these GRIM Fairy Tales?)

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Gaywain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified; she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gaywain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gaywain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gaywain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached; Gaywain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gaywain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gaywain began to think of his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gaywain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gaywain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

Moral #2: If you are a handsome young king named Art and your best buddy is willing to make such sacrifices for you, what the hell are you doing fooling around with girls in the first place? Especially when your pal’s name is Gaywain.


AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU DON’T LIVE AT HER HOUSE ...

... (or work in her office.)

Rose writes:

“Had cataracts removed from both eyes. These golden years can kiss my . . “

Well, you get the picture. It may help to explain this list.

THINGS TO DO THIS WEEK

In the memo field of all checks, write "for sexual favors".

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

Tell children over dinner "due to the economy, we’ll have to let one of you go."


To those of you who couldn’t get tickets for tomorrow night, my apologies. The performance sold out a lot faster than anyone expected. Sleep warm.

RM 10/7/01 Previously unpublished.

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Spiro Agnew o Dorothy Dandridge o Marie Dressler o Lou Ferrigno o Tom Fogerty o Whitey Herzog o Chris Jericho o Nick Lachey o Hedy Lamarr o Mae Marsh o Robert Duncan McNeill o Joanna Moore o Edna May Oliver o Pepa (“Salt-N-Peppa”) o Carl Sagan o Anne Sexton o Sargent Shriver o John Singleton o Sisqo o Kay Thompson o Mary Travers o Ivan Turgenev o Tom Weiskopf o Ed Wynn
Rod's random thoughts Need should never be mistaken for love.

Luxury is nice but certainly no necessity.

To love somebody truly, it is not necessary to be false to all other relationships.

I BELIEVE IN ONE TO ONE

To those few who know me
my religion is well known.
I believe in bodies
          arms entangling
                    and untangling.
I believe, and I know it to be so
that there are so many curves
                          and hollows
in a single body
               that none of us
none of us
can come to know them all
within a lifetime
but I’ll go on trying.
My faith is sure.
It can’t be killed or stopped
by one opening I wanted
that didn’t open,
by one mound
           that wasn’t soft enough
to ease my head,
by one I sought
but didn’t win,
by a wound of love
so fresh it hasn’t healed.

I believe in one to one
and one on one.
No wine or magic
no hand me-down-Bible
can improve on that.

I believe in spring
but only if I’m rolling in a pillow
or hold some well loved face
is any world green enough for me.

- from "Celebrations of the Heart", 1975

 
© 1975, 1978, 1984, 1988, 1999 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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