FRIDAY
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Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob
Gentry 8/5/1999
A Thought for Today
Help is always on the way, but most of us
keep our eyes closed.
PASS IT
MALONG
Halloween may have gone with October but wait till you see the scary stuff
I’ve dug out of the darker corners of my E-mail box. Stand back.
TOP OF THE 9th
From Pat & the pups.
CHRISTIANS 2. LIONS 0.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel
meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour. The man sees
various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other.
"These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and
the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehovah’s
Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every
nationality, and every culture in Heaven.
Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing
in Heaven?" asked the man.
"Shhhh!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall
are the Christians. They like to think that they're the only ones here."
DON’T SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER
This arrived from ‘Phoenix’ if only, I presume, to prove that she is truly
attempting to rise from the ashes. It won’t work, My Love, you’re way
beyond redemption.
NO BUT IF YOU HUM A FEW BARS . . .
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano
Player and one-day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about
the job. The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to
the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful,
melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all
talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet
yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that
beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma’.” “Excuse me while I go to the
restroom,” he continued.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric
old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said,
"Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want
the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to
the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward
him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the
world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT!”
WOOF!
I know Jane sent this to illustrate than one can be deep in the throes of
autumn and still be in the dog days of summer
THE PAWS THAT REFRESHES
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed
a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be
Baptist.
They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager,
who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was brought out and
the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
scrutinized the books, located the Bible and brought it back to the
manager.
The manager then said "Find Psalm 23". The dog, showing marvelous
dexterity with his paws, leafed through the Bible, found the correct
passage and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple
purchased the dog and took him home.
That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his
wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.
The visitors were amazed!
Finally, one man asked "Can he do normal dog tricks, too?" "Let's see,"
said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel".
The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's
forehead and began to howl.
"Oh no," cried his wife, "he's Pentecostal!"
MATH MADE EASY
Sheri writes:
“My Dad was a high school math teacher and had no
patience with the fact that I did not understand math...maybe I had a
hearing problem!”
TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS . . .
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
ENDURANCE
Jena is the sponsor of this one.
AS TIME GOES BY
The two old coots were both only a year short of
retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep
Joe from boasting to Fred about his sexual endurance.
"Three times," gasped Fred admiringly. "How'd you do it?"
"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then
I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love
to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then we did it again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell
you."
"I gotta try it," said Fred. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love
to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time,
then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to
the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years
and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes
against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and
Wednesday?
HEAVENLY DAYS
Ann (my favorite biker chick) parked her Harley long enough to post this.
HEY PETE!
A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of
particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers.
"Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll
answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
I think that will be enough of that for another week or so. I’m off to
rehearsal for Saturday night’s performance and the twin shows on Sunday.
- RM 11/8/2002 2:04 AM
PST Previously unpublished
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(posted 09/28/2002).
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