PASS IT ALONG |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Equality means not only equal rights but equal
responsibility to one's neighbor and oneself.
Every Friday many nice folk go to the bottom
of their E-mail boxes and send me whatever they find there. Some of it is pretty good
stuff. Hope you like today's choices.
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL THIS NUMBER
This came from Mindy who says:
"Call this number for a
real laugh. " She adds, "This is what happens when you mix drugs and
marketing."
She's not kidding and I promise you the same
laugh I got when I followed her instructions.
And The Number Is . . .
800-578-7453
It's the customer service line for Brown &
Williamson Tobacco Co. The message is hilarious.
SCHOOL DAYS
"I think this is wonderful - and even more so that the
powers-that-be, normally so rigid, recognized his worth," writes Sue from Cannes. She
adds "What follows is a real, honest-to-god application from a student received by a
colleague at Southampton University, the really cool thing is, they gave him a place on
the course. Enjoy!"
The Essay
In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know
you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following
question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have
realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
A. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to
remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am
an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics' worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and
won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 seconds
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course
meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess
competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery,
and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to this University.
HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES
Andrea Robb asks:
"Imagine if instead of
cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku..."
It Could Be Verse
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
ASK YOURSELF
A number of things have been troubling Wes so he decided to place this paid advertisement
here in hope that someone might come forward and help him with a few of his inquiries.
Questions . . .Questions . . .Questions . . .
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold
will it be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know
you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything
outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?
Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10
miles away?
HIM
I'm not sure when Marilyn A Hopewell passed
this along to me she expected an answer, but I figure a memo like this begs for a comment.
A Memo from God
Good Morning: I am God. Today I will be handling all of your
problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If the devil happens to deliver a
situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in
the SFGTD (something for God to do) Box. It will be addressed in MY time, not yours. Once
the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it. Holding
on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.
If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in
prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep nor do I
slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact
me, I am only a prayer away. God
Dear God, Thanks for the memo which was much appreciated. It's nice to know I have someone
as substantial as you to lean on when it becomes necessary. But, based on what I see going
on around the world and around me, God, I figure you're a pretty busy guy (or woman). So,
despite your very kind memo I'd like to promise you that every time I've got some kind of
minor emergency going on I'm not going to interrupt the important work you are doing by
giving you a buzz.
I figure too many people use you as a crutch and I'd just as soon use some of the self
reliance you gave me in the first place to solve the minor glitches. Thanks for being
there, though. Love, Rod
YOU'VE GOT MULES
Coral writes "I am terribly afraid this might be me." Or sometimes me Coral.
You Know You Are An E-MAIL Junkie When . . .
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and stop to check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL, and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug
on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet
access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smiley's in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So, you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have
neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at: http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways when you smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a
friend.
Thanks to Mindy, Stargirl, Andrea, Wes, Marilyn, and Coral for todays "stuff."
The weekend's here. Take somebody nice out tonight or rent a flick and order in. See you
tomorrow with our weekly sentimental Saturday. Meanwhile, sleep warm.
- RM 10/7/99 Previously unpublished. |
