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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Promises outrun performances - make
appointments carefully.
Here’s wishing you a light and
easy weekend, and a smile or two along the way.
FOR TWO FRIENDS
Sheri get us off to a fine
start with this thoughtful sentiment.
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Two
elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For several minutes she just stared and glared
at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
NEVER TRUST A DOG TO WATCH YOUR FOOD
Hello
and greetings from England. Our village newsletter for June contained
these words of wisdom, I thought you would find them amusing. Hope to see
you in England soon. Richard Escritt, Copmanthorpe, York, England
AND OTHER CHILDHOOD WISDOM
Never
trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick 10
When your Dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? Don't answer him.
Michael 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat. Joel 10
Never pee on an electric fence. Robert 13
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
hair. Taylia 11
Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your
homework. Tracy 14
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi 15
Felt markers are not good to use as a lipstick. Lauren 9
Never tell your Mum her diet's not working. Michael 14
If you get a bad school report, show it to your Mum when she's on the
phone. Alyesha 13
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in your glass of milk. Armir 9
Don't sneeze in front of your Mum when you are eating a Cracker. Michael
12
ITEMS WE DECIDED NOT TO USE DEPT:
Lots of “Pass It Along”
candidates pass through the E Box that for one reason or the other I
decide, ‘no way will I pass this along.’ Sometimes it’s an old chestnut
that’s been making the rounds forever & I just say ‘poof, you’re the
weakest link’ and out it goes. Often an item is too naughty! After all
there is at least one Nun who reads this Flight Plan regularly! This one
was sent from across the pond from our girl in England, Nicky Williams
30 CRUEL THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've
smoked fatter joints than that.
Er, sorry Nicky, one was enough. Next!
SO WE DECIDED TO GO WITH THIS INSTEAD
Another missile from Naughty
Nik.
NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH
A man
and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this:
when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
TAKE A SHOWER EVEN IF YOU DON’T NEED ONE
Rose has noted the difference
in how women and men scrub up.
HOW TO
SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off
clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and
darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can
complain and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural
crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
must make sure it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower & squeegee all wet surfaces.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to
bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off
clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers
for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash face, then armpits.
Crack up at how loud farts sounds in the shower. Wash privates and
surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub
the whole time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah
baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed & take 2 minutes to get dressed.
A SHAGGY ROOSTER STORY
Ralph Jones had this uncle . .
.
RING THEM BELLS!
When I
was young my uncle was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was
to fertilize the eggs.
My Uncle Dudley kept records, and any rooster or pullet that
didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now, this took an
awful lot of time. So, when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that
each rang a different tone, he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't
ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck
and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip
while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the
different tones of the
bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine
specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his
bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one.
Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in
the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only
awarded him the No Bell Prize but also the Pullet Surprise...
(That’ll be enough out of you this week, Ralph.)
Tomorrow is Sentimental Saturday and time for another ‘Love Letter Unsent"
and on Sunday there’s a request from Agent Scully herself, the talented
Gillian Anderson. Sleep warm.
RM 6/7/2001 Previously
unpublished
 Two new
appearance dates just announced! Booking for "An Evening with
Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for
more details:
Concert & Appearance Details
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