PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
We cannot close out the cold, especially
if it lies within ourselves.
Friday comes around every
week, you can depend on it. Just as you can be sure that every week around
here we finally get to the dregs of the e-mail box. To help speed you on
your way toward the weekend with a smile or two, here’s some of what was
lurking in the far corners of the postbox.
BUMMER STICKERS
Here’ Hugs & Molly’s latest
collection.
STICK ‘EM UPS
Women
should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you
anyway.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have
only had ten disciples!
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're sorry.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age. Especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was
kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Give your kids a hint. Post this sign on their door, “CHECKOUT TIME IS
18."
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?"
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven - unassembled.
LESSONS FROM A GOOD OLD BOY
SharonAnn is just back from a
trip down South.
BUBBA’S SECRET
A
football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he
asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always
whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I
can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day and went to his bedroom. He heard his
wife in the shower and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
THIS MAKES SENSE
It’s nice now and again to let
our minds stray back to reality and away from the superficial that we’re
surrounded by daily. I call it being grounded. Here, thanks to Edward Gohn,
is a perfect illustration of what I term being grounded.
LOTS OF SENSE
1. Name
the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for Best
Actor and Actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series Winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their
fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements
are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated
and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name a half dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier? The lesson?
The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They're the ones who care. When you have a chance, pass this on to people
who've made a difference in your life. I just did.
DATELINE:
NORTH POLE
CHICKEN
LITTLE
Ellen brings us up to date.
TOO LATE
A boy
and a girl were behind a barn one day. The girl told the boy, "I have to
quit eating chicken, because I am growing chicken hair. The boy in
disbelief said, "Let me see." So the little girl pulls down her pants and
panties and shows the little boy her chicken hair. "You sure do! " the boy
says.
Then he says, "I have to quit eating chicken because I am growing chicken
hair too." The girl says, "Let me see." The boy then pulls down his pants
and underwear and the girl says, "It's too late for you, you already have
the neck and the gizzards!"
WEIRD SCIENCE
Kyletta has been grading Test
Papers.
FIRST YOU TAKE A LIVE GOAT
These
comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health
teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and
compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium in Kansas City, Kansas.
As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." Please
note that the original spelling has been left intact.
1. "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u."
2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
free state."
3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame
in a test tube."
5. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."
11. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of the bull."
12. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
13. "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it
can hold."
14. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
16. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the out-sides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."
17. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."
18. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
19. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
20. "Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
21. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
22. "Liter: A nest of young puppies.
23. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
24. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
25. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
26. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
27. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
28. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative."
29. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose."
30. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops."
31. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he
has not recovered, then kill it."
32. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat."
33. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
See you tomorrow with something for Saturday. Sleep warm.
RM 12/06/2001 Previously
unpublished.
THE LAST
WORD
Today it belongs to ‘the
Marines’ courtesy of Sharonann.
"It’s God’s
responsibility to forgive Bin Laden. It’s our responsibility to arrange
the meeting!" - United States Marines
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