FRIDAY
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Rod &
Kubby. Photo by Bob Gentry, ©2002 by Stanyan Entertainment Group.
A Thought for Today
Reason may not always win the argument,
but it wakes the mind up.
PASS IT
MALONG
In the spirit of ‘Pass It Along Day’ this feature continues its attempt to
print something that offends nearly everyone.
BLONDES
Diane confesses:
“A Michigan Blonde? I think I've met her before!”
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says .."Hi, my name is Candy and
you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is
Candy, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Candy, and you are losing some of your
load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the
next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"
MIDDLE EASTERN SERVANTS
This is Jane’s contribution to politically incorrectness.
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the
first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat
was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami,
anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch
him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return
with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty
handed.
“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A
man is sitting on the well!"
NUNS & CABBIES
An old joke but a pretty good one from Ralph.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and
the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and
he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single
and I'm Catholic too!
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party."
ENGLISH SPORTS FANS
This arrived by slow boat from Nicky.
Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher
asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some
colouring and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true
about your father working in a gay strip club?"
"No," said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for England but I was too
embarrassed to mention that."
POLES
"Dear Rod ..... hope you haven't seen this one yet".
Janice
A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I
had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
"Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?"
"Or if I had asked for taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right ....
then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish
sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."
THE FOLKS AT NASA
Jane has no reservations regarding this one.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they
did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona. One
day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the
space crew.
The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son
translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the
crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got
all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the
astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the
NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message,
they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought
the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and
laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He
reported that the Moon message said:
"Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."
DAMN YANKEES
A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited
by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door
and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration, please?"
The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop
and you didn't. Now, may I see your license and registration, please."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming
to a complete stop."
The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do
better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist
out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
If you have escaped offence today be of good cheer. The next installment
of this stuff arrives on Friday the 13th.
Sleep warm.
RM 12/04/2002 Previously unpublished
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