PASS IT ALONG
on the Stanyan logo to subscribe to the McKuen Mailing List
Rod in action at The Riverton Rendezvous, July 2001.
Photograph courtesy Jay Hagan.
A Thought for Today
Big is in the eyes of the beholder.
Because all of can use a smile
or two, Pass It Along comes a day early this week.
NINE, ONE, ONE
Ralph Jones is back from the
summer trail where he witnessed a rather short hunting trip.
FIRST AID, LAST RITES
A couple of
good-ol'-boys are hunting in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard......
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Wes Fish is a born teacher.
Here he explains the world’s political philosophies with his only visual
aid being . . .
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with
You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of
four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must
sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only
one cow which was a gift from your
Ellen is stuck in the dog days
handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful,
enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in
an effort to be the one to reach
her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and
hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her
obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells
them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together
in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab jumps up quickly and woofs "I love liver
"Oh, how childish," replies the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and asks "How well can you
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," say’s the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
the Lab's retort."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
The last of the trio, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
The Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
RIDING A DEAD HORSE
This one comes from Edward and
although he doesn’t wear beads or drop earrings he’s steeped in Indian
tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount. In modern education and government,
however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed,
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is, less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore, contributes substantially
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
a big worry...and we should all work hard to see it does NOT eventuate!
Mind you - as a writer it requires NO adjustment on my part whatsoever!”
just been informed that the European Commission has announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a five-year
phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish'
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
Make the sivel servants jump for joy. The hard "c' will be dropped in
favour of the "k". This will klear up konfusion and keyboards can have one
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like
"fotograph" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expected
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have ben a
deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and should go away.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During zis fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from words containing "ou"
and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.
After ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensbl riten styl. Zer vil be no
Mor trubls or difikultis and evirvun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!
DON’T KILL THE MESSENGER
This arrived from Jane and I
can only guess that the heat is more intense these days in Northern
California than I thought. Whatever. I don’t think this came from a stroke
A SHAGGY RED NECK STORY
Alabama Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male
gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators
Noticed Ed, a redneck part-time intern, responsible for cleaning the
animals’ cages. Ed, like many crimson necks, had little sense, but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park
administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with
the gorilla for $500? He showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. "Secondly,
You must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly
agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the
SHAKE IT OFF
Yet another gem from our
resident naturalist, Edward.
NOT SO FAST
One day a
farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for
hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the
animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't
worth it to retrieve the
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit
his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off
and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of! the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed
as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our
troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by
not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Here are a few rules for being happy and staying that way:
your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
GROANERS COME IN ALL SIZES & COLORS
Whoops! Sharronann has been in
the kitchen again.
HERE’S A LITTLE YELLOW ONE
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot
famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny came running
through the house, with BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the
other. He of course tripped, and the BBs naturally went right into the pot
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why
he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well and as
usual the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day the church secretary Mary, called Little
Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious
as usual. What did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new. Why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the
These lovely sentiments come
from my old bud Kyletta Miller. She sent quite a long list but I’m
rationing them over the month. I must say some of her slogans come across
as . . .
was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
LETTER OF THE WEEK
Nicky Williams takes home the
WHAT IS THAT LYING IN THE ROAD, A HEAD?
These are the 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton
contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein
one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind
in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: 'Andre creep ... Andre creep
... Andre creep.'""
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to
become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning
of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit
in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You
See you tomorrow. Sleep warm.
RM 9/5/2001 Previously
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman