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A Thought for Today

Life is never long enough, but love keeps even the shortest life alive forever.

 

Finally, the weekend. Here’s a smile or two sent in by friends to help your weekend start off on a light note.

Nothing like a little father and son humor, Alan Kornfield sent this to has dad Richard who unloaded it on me.

A GUY GOES IN TO A PROCTOLOGIST’S OFFICE . . .

. . . for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few
minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT.”


FIRST THE GOOD NEWS

Ellen writes:

“Be careful what you wish for.”

A CAUTIONARY TALE

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind, him, and as he sits the waitress comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" asks the waitress. "I'll have the same", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please", and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and the Ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be 12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”


WE SAW IT COMING

There’s nothing wrong with hearing an old chestnut now and then, but I think Hugs & Molly dug up Henry Youngman for this one.

TAKE MY REPAIRMAN, PLEASE

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening
appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him:

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking
Doberman he had ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"

TODAY’S GROANER

Don’t send me your complaints on this one, mark your letters “Attention John De Kleine.”

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR . . .

. . .with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender, "One beer, please.”

The bartender says, "Sure thing, coming right up.". He gets the Guy a tall draft beer and the guy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.

Four days later the guy returns. He has a shotgun in one hand
And another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "One beer, please."

The bartender says, "Hang on Buddy, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"

The Guy says, "I’m in training for a job as a State employee:
drink beer, shoot shit, and then disappear for four days."


ROCK OF AGES

Kyletta asks the age-old question “How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" Here are some of the answers her friends at Whispering Glades came up with.

SENIOR SAYINGS

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker!

The older we get, the fewer things there are worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy, it is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say "WHOOPEE!"

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all lead in the pants..

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

Yah; being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to smile at when you are old.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and bald they don't recognize you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.


AT THE ZOO

Someone who shall remain nameless passed this along.

GORILLA MY DREAMS

Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. .

One of the men leans closer for a better look and the gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written .....


THE FINAL WORD

Jay Leno says:

“After all the recent turmoil my wife and I wanted to go some place quiet. Somewhere where there would be no crowds and we could be alone, so we went to the movies to see “Glitter.” Before it opened they were advertising it as ‘the blockbuster movie of the fall.’ Well, it’s fall, it should be available at Blockbuster just about now.”

Ouch.

Sleep warm and join me for a sentimental Saturday tomorrow.

RM 9/28/01

Details of Rod's next appearance can be obtained by following the link below.

"Tap Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman

notable birthdays Karen Allen o Chester A. Arthur o Susan Badger o Josie Bissette o Peter Brown o Diane Cilento o Jeff Conaway o Bill Dana o Johnny Duncan o Larry Fine o Bob Geldof o Richard Gordon o Grant Hill o Glynis Johns o Ray Kroc o Mario Lemieux o Joshua Logan o Allan Ludden o Amy Pearce o Donald Pleasence o George Rebh o Cecilia Salvesen o Ovidu Varga o Horace Walpole o Kate Winslet
Rod's random thoughts Dreams should not be allowed to die until reality replaces them.

We are no longer members of countries, but citizens of the universe.

Lifetimes can be lived out in an hour or loafed and wasted in a ten-year span...

TWO POEMS FROM
“. . . and autumn came.”

october 7

alone
last night again
the feeling of showered nakedness
upon a little bed
the quietness that comes
when there is no one
to rustle and make noise

...and then you came
and flesh upon flesh
in happy rage
replaced the quietness

i see no reason for writing this
unless to remind myself
that if i pretend long enough
you will come...

-from “. . . and autumn came,” 1954, 1969

october 11

i looked up tonight and there she was
standing not ten feet from me
i looked up... she smiled... not at all like you

her eyes reflected in the dirty glassware
the stench
the back room with its propositions on the wall
...and she was beautiful
sad eyed
old for nineteen

i followed her to a table
bought her a drink
and then went out into the night alone

it was a long ride home
but worth it
i slept soundly...

-from “. . . and autumn came,” 1954, 1969

 
© 1954, 1969, 1999, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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