HELP! My Guru Died!: The End
Is Said To Be In Sight |
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No Rod sightings today, but after
all it’s Sunday. Rami Swami Salami, otherwise known as The Great Guru & The
Great, Great One, now and again takes over this space while Rod’s away and answers
the many questions you send him care of webmaster@mckuen.com
. Ken our loveable Webmaster is sort of the go between for your letters, full of woe and
worry, to The Mighty Guru on his mountaintop and his answers filled with thunder,
lightning and mist. Often the Swami even drops a pearl or two of genuine wisdom. Good
hunting.
On with the wind.
Q : Swami. I am in love with two men, truly. Both of them are wonderful in their own way,
and I cannot decide between them, they must decide. So I have asked them to put their
heads together!
A : Stop! Very dangerous. Look what happened when Ron & Dave put their two heads &
everything else together.
Q: Swami, I have a rather peculiar fetish, which you might be able
to explain. I love having my toes sucked during sex. What do you call that?
A : A waste of kisses.
Q : Swami - it’s Ron and Dave again. They say now that they want to both sleep with
me, together, tonight!!! I have to work tomorrow and I’m not sure I want to be the
meat in the sandwich!
A : Why do I get this feeling you’ll probably be the potato salad?
Q: Swami - I am absolutely lovesick over a girl I don’t even know. I just saw her at
a subway station, getting on as I was getting off! Now I can’t sleep, can’t
think. can’t eat, can’t even breathe. What will I do?
A : Wither and die. Did you get a transfer?
Q : DO you have proof that you are you?
A : No, and my drivers license picture doesn’t help.
Q: Dear Mr. Guru, I would like to become a gigolo, selling my body and soul for money. Can
you suggest any career training?
(signed) Mr. Hot Stuff.
A: Dear Stuff, I asked my friend Madame Coral Shores, who has much experience in these
matters, for a suggestion. She replied "Start as a lawyer and work your way up!"
Q : Why does Sour Cream have an expiration date ? Also, why do croutons have an expiration
date ? - Wouldn't they just get better with age ?
A : Guru thinks everything gets better with age. Guru is old, very old, but not too old to
cut the mustard.
Q : Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?
A : Do not tarry on the road to salvation or you will be squashed like a bug.
Q : If you choked a Smurf, what color would it turn?
A : Guru say, who cares? The important thing is that you will have gotten rid of one more
Smurf.
Q : Swami - about meditation, do you find it helps you to go to the top of a high mountain
and contemplate your navel?
A : I’m an "inny" so I look inward when I contemplate.
Q : I have been contemplating life in all its rich tapestry, its heartaches and tears, its
joys, its spiritual journeys and physical infirmities. Yet, after all these years, I do
not understand anything. What is the meaning of it?
A : IT. Spelled It.; is defined by my Random House Dictionary as "a pronoun of
neutral gender".
Q : If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
A : The rose while following it’s course never petals fast enough.
Q : Every April and October I am faced with the same dilemma. I have to change my clocks,
all of them. Do you have any practical tips to make this burdensome routine easier?
A : Two possible solutions. (a) Leave them alone all year long and learn to remember if
you are 1 hour late or 1 hour early to appointments. (b) Don’t wind them & let
time take care of themselves.
Q : Whatever motivated the chicken to cross the road? Have any poets written of it?
A : Indeed they have, may I quote a few? Thank you. Sapho said "Because her breasts
were milky white like seven swans a-swimming she stroked the largest of the swans’
long thick and soon there were six and two". "Walt Whitman’s words were
"My brave companion, his drumstick thighs astride my own. I moan and mourn his
kisses." In his previously uncollected works "Warm & Lonesome Streets"
our own Rod wrote "It doesn’t matter why it crossed or how it crossed, but that
it crossed."
Q : How can I be more entertaining at parties?
A : Stop wearing lampshades on your head.
Q: Have you ever stuffed those big marshmallows in your mouth enough for them to start
popping out the other side?
A : Mark how the hollow Birch doth shake and drive me to the airport road.
Q : I am overweight. In the last 15 years I have gained only 6 pounds per year, but now I
weigh 90 pounds more than I want to. I am a healthy robust young man, but I definitely
need more exercise. In your honest opinion, do you think it is dangerous for me to buy
roller blades if I weigh about 265 and am 4"11" tall?
A : Confucius and Great Guru both agree, Roller ball should not roller skate.
Q : I am 52, and I am always tired, I am trying to be more childish as children never tire
... what is with that, BTW it isn't working.
A : Beamers have always been inferior to Mercedes.
Q : My company announced the casual dress policy, I thought it was very cool, till I
slipped into my S&M master leathers and whips, I was surprised at the applause, My
boss came up said that I should do it at least once a week, do you think I should charge
for it?
A: Your boss has a problem no casual dress policy can address.
Q : Why doesn't Mickey Mouse look like a dog or a cat?
A : Duh.
Q : Did that one person who has a great time in the morning invent the greeting Good
Morning just to piss the rest of us?
A : Probably. I always reply, "Same to you , Buster"
This Just In from Brian Williams, MSNBC:
Alas our old friend The Chicken tried to cross the road just outside of Baghdad, he is no
more. Reuters is reported to have interviewed Saddam Hussein who was quoted as saying
"This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50
tons of nerve gas on it. It was the Mother of all Chicken droppings." Stay tuned for
more news on this developing story after "How were the deaths of John Denver and
Sonny Bono Connected?" with Jane Pauly & "Time And Again", preceded by
another rerun of Princess Di’s funeral services and every story we’ve had on the
mystery in the 397 days since it happened
This is Peter Arnet from CNN:
I’m sure you can hear the gunfire and chaos behind me. It’s very dark, only the
tracer bullets flashing through the night sky gives us light, that and the occasional
mortar blast. I’m sure the whole world, even Arthur Kent, knows by now "an
unprovoked attack" on the beautiful city of Baghdad and its peaceful leader Saadam
Hussein has caused the start of WWIII.
The casualties so far include the much-admired Chicken, who never hesitated to cross the
road. Also caught in the retaliation bombing was the well known Eastern religious figure,
Swami Rami Salami, better known to his followers as "The Great, Great One.", or
Sal to his friends --- of which there were many.
This is Dan Rather, CBS News
Headquarters in New York:
So Goes Peace World War III arrived at 6:00 AM this
morning. While much of the world’s attention will no doubt be galvanized in the weeks
and months to come by the outbreak of war, it is the human tragedy that has everyone
talking today. The loss of the beloved Guru Swami Rami Salami has been felt by millions
around the world. Rioting broke out in Glenrose Idaho and The Temple of The Immaculate
Deception was burned to the ground. In Clinton Township, Michigan a wild torchlight parade
through the streets is said to have drawn a crowd estimated at over four people.
Reached at her summer home on The Gold Coast of Australia, Madame Coral Shores, herself a
sear and star search leader, said "I’m honestly and simply quite
devastated" El Mundo Bill put it another way "Quite simply I’m honestly
devastated".
Other friends and colleagues of Swami Salami, who has lately become as well known for his
often sexist approach to advice as his ministry, were quick to react . . . the much loved
"arat", often called The Queen of The Fairies or "Her Nibs" said
simply "Devastated, quite honestly." In a joint statement. Ron and Dave, who
were in the shower and could not be reached for direct comment, were said to be
"devastated". Dave added, "We watched our lives unfold with The
Swami". Ron chimed in, "Yeah, and he didn’t even know about Marcus yet, we
were going to surprise him".
Rod McKuen, in a prepared statement, told CBS news "Honestly? I’m simply
devastated. Quite." "Does this mean I’ll have to go back to work
tomorrow"?, he added. Stay tuned to this CBS station for more breaking developments.
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from HELP! My Guru Died, 1970, 1971 with new material, 1998 |
