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Polaroid photo by Edward McKuen, August
2002 ©2002 by Stanyan Music Group. All rights reserved.
A Thought for Today
Each encounter that becomes a friendship
turns into a lifeline. One can never have too many, only too many to
take care of.
PASS IT
MALONG
Yes boys and girls it’s that day again, Friday, and time to pass along a
smile or two courtesy of our far-flung correspondents who go on flinging
it.
BLUE NUN?
Blame Jane for this one even though I’m smiling as I pass it along.
NO WINE BEFORE ITS TIME
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together.
She says to them, "I must tell you something very serious. We have a case
of gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
BLONDE ON BLONDE
Sharon Ann has been blonde bonding and the results are frightening.
ONCE MORE INTO THE BLEACH
Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida.
A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to
the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they
saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86
bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of
toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.
REINTARNATION
Dolores says . . .
I WANT TO COME BACK AS A BEAR
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do
nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal
with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown,
cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone
who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I
could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, I wanna
be a bear.
TAKE THE PILL & SHUT UP!
Wes passed on this list of new medical miracles.
BEYOND PROZAC
ST. M O M'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
D U M E R O L: Warning! When taken with Peptobimbo, may cause dangerously
low I.Q. including possible enjoyment of rap music.
F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A N T I B O Y O T I C S: When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money
spent on make-up.
M E N I C I L L I N: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-ALL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with
a Barry Manilow CD or a book by Dr’s. Phil or Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.
VERY PUNNY
In the time it would take to decide whether or not to print this item from
Lady Brent I might as well just go ahead and do it.
THE BACK SIDE OF HORSING AROUND
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and
on being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in
the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper
carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
The Bishop nearly had a stroke, and he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
MEDICINE 101
And finally Jane again with a visit to a Medical School.
PAY ATTENTION!
First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered
around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the
same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
Have a safe and very sane weekend. I’ll see you tomorrow with something
for Saturday.
10/2/2002 5:50 PM PST Previously unpublished.
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(posted 09/28/2002).
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