PASS IT ALONG

Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99

A Thought for Today

Don’t interrogate your days, go with them.

I enjoy Fridays for the same reason everybody else does, because they lead to Saturday’s and Sundays. This has been some week! In addition to everything else I’ve been running around putting out brush fires. Don’t ask. The weekend looks productive, though, among other things I’m giving an interview to A&E for an upcoming biography on Phyllis Diller and getting together some special material for the web. Dwight’s coming by and he might even take some pix.

Friday’s around here also signal Pass it Along. On with the ‘stuff.’

DEJA-WHO

Rose writes:

"You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions:

I FEEL LIKE I'VE . . .

...milked this cow before: deja moo

...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu

...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew

...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo

...scared this person away before: deja boo

...read this mystery book before: deja clue

...been in this courtroom before: deja sue

...felt this bad before: deja rue

...felt this sad before: deja blue

...expanded this way before: deja grew

...seen this slime before: deja goo

...learned this stuff before: deja knew

...waited in line before: deja queue

...eaten this dinner before: deja stew

...pursued this person before: deja woo

...forgotten this your name before: deja who

...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too

...seen these twins before: deja two

...used this beer recipe before: deja brew

...been on this airplane before: deja flew

...came up with this innovation before: deja new

...fed these pigeons before: deja coo

...sketched this portrait before: deja drew

...ended this relationship before: deja through

...felt this ill before: deja flu

...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe

...munched on this gumball before: deja chew

...sat through this sermon before: deja pew

...played in this wet grass before: deja dew

...admired this scenery before: deja ooo

...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo

...exposed the real facts before: deja true

FOGIES OF THE WORLD UNITE

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, says Jennie James, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen.

HERE IS THIS YEAR'S LIST:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walked a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

JUST THE JOKES, FOLKS

Nicky Williams sends these silly dillies.

WHAT A PAIR

Father: How do you get Marvin up so early?

Mother: It's easy. I just open the door and throw the cat on his bed.

Father: Why does that wake him up?

Mother: He sleeps with the dog!
_____

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

FAX THIS TO THE BOSS

Rod, Even though I don't drink, I still found this pretty funny. Rita

Gee, Rita, after a scotch I found it funny too.

25 REASONS ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, who cares.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work late. There's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.-SCARY!!!!
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the higher ups.

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

Hey sports fans here's another winner from Nicky.

THE MEDIUM IS THE MESSAGE

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

Winter has finally gotten to Ellen who proves it by sending in this joke.

BACK TO THE WALL

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it.

Pretty soon a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and said "Well I'm through with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K- mart."

HIT 'EM IN THE HEAD WITH LOVE

Here's a shaggy Christian story from Hugs and Molly.

HIT ME AGAIN, DEALER

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again."

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

Rose, who today is calling herself I M Ofage put this in my E-mail box.

FORGET ABOUT YOUR DAY JOB

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Thanks to Rose, Jennie, Nicky, Rita, Ellen, Hugs & Molly. Tune in tomorrow for a sentimental Saturday. Have a happy evening with someone you like and sleep warm.

                         RM 2/2/2000 Previously unpublished

ANDY