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A Thought for Today
Friday feels good.
Saying "Rod has the day off," (which I did yesterday) is just a shortcut for a more complicated explanation of why there isn't time enough on a particular day to set down and write a Flight Plan. There were no such excuses last month. So far November promises to be a bit busier.
What I was really up to yesterday was rehearsals for "The Kurt Weill Centennial Concert" tomorrow night. After yesterday's rehearsal I really hope those of you who live in Southern California will try to attend this one time only event.
For one thing it's doubtful you'll ever get the following performers on the same stage again. They include in alphabetical order; Eileen Brennan, Alan Campbell, Carole Cook, Loretta Devine, Pam Dowber, Nancy Dussault, Gogi Grant, Kim Hoy, Jane A. Johnstone, Dale Kristien, Shirley Jones. Sharon Lawrence, Jack Noseworthy, Hugh Panaro, Brock Peters, Linda Purl and Charlotte Rae and yours truly. And, as a last minute addition Sally Kellerman.
The show is being produced and directed by David Galligan. It's an evening to benefit The Actor's Fund and will be held At the Luckman Auditorium on the campus of Cal-State. Good tickets are still available and the prices range from $30.00 to $250.00, (which includes a post performance reception attended by the artists.) I'm excited about being involved in it and being asked to perform the great Kurt Weill-Maxwell Anderson standard "September Song."
Five days later on Thursday November 9th I'll be performing "Jean" at the Broadhurst theatre in New York City as part of the East Coast celebration of Bobby Fryer's life. That event takes place at noon, is free and open to the public. Also scheduled to appear are Betty Comden, Adolph Green and Neil Simon, among others. Sam Crothers of Producers Circle is the producer.
I hope many of you will get a chance to attend one of the performances.
A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO AVOID POLICE SHOOTINGS
This comes from a law enforcement friend.
"Dear Rod: A friend of mine sent this to me. Practical stuff and a bit funny as well. Hope you are well! All the Best, Brent"
THE FIVE COURT RULE TO AVOID A POLICE SHOOTING
Recently, in an area on the East Coast, an inordinate number of police-officer-involved shootings have taken place. As a result, several suspects have been fatally injured. Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community activists," have editorialized that, with all these shootings by police, "any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets, for no
apparent reason at all!
Responding to the newspaper editorial, a friend who lives locally and who is obviously community minded, submitted a five-point plan. The plan is designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets. The newspaper never printed it, but I'd like to share it with you:
"I've devised a five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police. This plan may not prevent all shootings, but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to. So, here are the rules:
1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES. It seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, Slick, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high-risk occupation, and, in case you missed it, committing violent crime makes police officers think you might not be a good person.
2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police confront you, DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THEM. I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're of something. Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops (mostly older ones) very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good!
3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest, DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a dark-colored wallet, or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns
may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.
4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands, DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS. We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to
protect themselves.
5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE. They may be too
preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day. They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it.
"So, there you have it. If you really apply yourself and obey even most of the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police gunfire."
THE OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
This comes from Sue.
THE BLONDES STRIKE BACK
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."
Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
POLITICS EXPLAINED
Lots of people have sent me this, which means you may have already seen it. Ellen and Ralph Jones are the latest one to pass it along. I probably shouldn't even print it, because it's a tad naughty.
WARNING:
Sister Mark if you're reading today's Flight Plan, skip this one.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
OH NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE LISTS?
Oh yes, they're unavoidable. This comes from my buddy Professor Yaeger.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN . . .
You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
You get winded playing checkers.
You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out.
You order Geritol on the rocks.
You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.
You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.
You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute gal goes by.
The only whistles you get are from a teakettle.
A fortune-teller wants to read your face.
You finally get it all together, but forget where you put it.
You pray for a good prune-juice harvest.
Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You join a health club and never go.
You need your glasses to find your glasses.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine chest.
YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
REVENGE
"Dear Rod, This lady is obviously smarter than George W., Love Carol."
Dear Carol, I don't know what that has to do with this item, but my pet rock is smarter than G.W. Rod
IS SWEET
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
OUCH
"OK, OK. So you have received a zillion of this but, just in case you DIDN'T....here it is! PS I hear the inventor of this machine had the last name of "Bob It". Hmmmm is that spelled right? Sonja"
OH, THE HUMANITY OF IT
A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
This ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of Tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy the "ATR" button!
As soon as he opened his eyes he knew he was in the hospital. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!" "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover. "Your penis is under your pillow."
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
Scoutmaster Wes is no fool.
THE RULES OF THE ROAD
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pick-up truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles.
Of these, 16 each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway so if you just look at
the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a
new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
924 cars every mile, or 29,568 cars. Even though the rest of
the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper I figure I pass at least
another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
34,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 17,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 528.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 369. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 81, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 27. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that: has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is
having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter
what they do in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping off a
lady driver.
PLANTING SHRUBS WITH CAROL
Dear Rod, I couldn't make this stuff up! Yogi Berra once said, "I really didn't say everything I said." I'm sure that George W. feels the same way when he sees these.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CHAIRMAN GEORGE
Back in August George W. said, "The good news is I'm leading in some of the polls. The bad news is the election isn't tomorrow." Does he really believe that politics is all about timing?
"This is more about tone and who's going to be president. The race is between me and Al Gore and who best to set the right tone for Washington." Does he really believe its all about tone?
George, "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." OK.
George said, "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.'' Huh?
George said, "This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead."
George said, "When we carry Iowa in November, it'll mean the end of four years of Clinton-Gore." What About the First Four Years of the Clinton administration?
Reading this next quote from former President George Bush makes one wonder if Bush-er-isms are taught or inherited. The former president seemed to be stating the obvious when he said in an effort to explain his defeat when he ran and why he thinks that his son may be elected this time. He said, "I
think I was the victim of people wanting change." No KIDDING?
And finally, I have it on the very best authority that the night before the election, a commercial will be shown in which George W. says, "I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize." I think that when we go to the polls our primary question should be, "Can we REALLY stand four more years of Bush-er-isms?"
THE LAST WORD
"A friend just sent me this," writes Ralph Jones.
TWO GREAT REASONS TO VOTE
Just in case you still haven't figured out a reason to vote, here are two:
1) Matthew Sheppard can't.
2) Dr. Laura can.
See you tomorrow with some "Saturday Stuff." Sleep warm.
RM 11/2/2000 Previously unpublished
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