Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
A Thought for Today
Good work consists of habit. Lose a day and you risk the loss of the rhythm that drives you every day.
Ah, the end of the week. Time for a smile or two.
SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD
Lookout, Hugs & Molly are on speed again.
There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left
on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Pennsylvania State Trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited
for the Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th." "If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were
bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day!"
ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE
Dear Kyletta: Quit sending me these items. There are three years & 352 days left with this administration (but who's counting?)
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso replies, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
DON'T BLEACH YOUR HAIR ANY MORE, THIS MIGHT BE YOU
I found this washed up on the Malibu shore stuffed in an empty peroxide bottle. The note with it said simply, "Love
SHE WAS SOOOOOOOOO BLONDE
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics.
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
She studied for a blood test-and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport & saw a sign that said Airport Left," she turned around & went home.
GOOD TO THE LAST DROP
This was sent to me (written with a very unsteady hand) by Rose.
JUST ONE MORE CUP
Coffee makes the world go round, love only populates it!
Coffee: The foundation of consciousness.
Coffee - The beans from Heaven!
Coffee: The gasoline of life. Deja Brew: The feeling that you've had this coffee before.
Hot Coffee & cold pizza: the breakfast of champions !!!!
I'm on a low-fat, high stress diet .... coffee and fingernails.
Life is too short for bad coffee
Sorry, my brain won't engage without a coffee klatch
Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
Be a coffee-drinking individual...espresso yourself!
Breakfast without coffee is like a Predator without ammo.
Breakfast: a pot of coffee and a straw.
You can lay this outrage at Ellen's door.
In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer,
the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is
indeed going to be very cold."
So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the
National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very
cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
RIDDLE ME THIS
BJ Con not only asks the questions but answers them as well.
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
My girlfriend hates sex in the movies.
She tried it once and the seat folded up.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
IT BEATS TRAVELERS
Another BJ Con special.
HELL, ANYTHING BEATS TRAVELERS
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, No, I think we had State Farm."
LIFE IN THE MONASTERY
Ellen has perhaps gone on one to many retreats.
A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time
with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks
available to help with all the work.
Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists.
The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One
day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"
"No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."
GAMBLING, WHO ME?
Georgia Plumber passed this one along.
THE USUAL SUSPECTS
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then
said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you
gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling"
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
A SHAGGY BULL RING STORY
Jane Hernandez is nothing if not a gourmet.
DO YOU HAVE ANY GREY POUPON?
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter ,"What is that you just served? The waiter replied, "Ah, senior', you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, thought momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell; I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior'. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we
will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!
The waiter promptly replied, "Si Senior' ! Sometimes the bull wins!"
THE LAST WORD
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping." - Rita Rudner
Have a safe and sane weekend. Sleep warm.
RM 2/1/2001 Previously unpublished
Details of Rod's upcoming concerts
and appearances can be obtained via the link below:
McKuen Concerts & Appearances