PASS IT ALONG |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
The man who's dead to dreaming lives within a cloud of his
own making and so his chance of entering the stratosphere is scant.
End of the week, at last. Here are a few
"pass it along's" to start your weekend with a smile or two.
AMISH GROANER
Three separate senders dropped this one on me; Ju Jones, Steve Stohosky and Mindy Bruce.
Wilt Thou Pass Thru This Door, Please . . .
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again. The boy asked," What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is." While the boy and his
father were watching with amazement, an older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began
to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped
out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."
THREE FROM THE NIK
Nicky Williams sent the next three items that ought to produce a few broad smiles.
"Hello, am I speaking to the person I'm talking
to?"
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators
had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the
Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm
sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : It used to be called the
Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in
Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label -
Woven in Scotland.
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried
operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
But Does It Have A Family Room? . . .
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were
having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large
enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching,
the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while
he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the
landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father
answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the
cemetery." He got the apartment.
An Afternoon in Art Class . . .
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused & said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will
in a minute."
ANOTHER LITTLE GIRL
And I like this one from Ronny L Martin.
Watch The Birdie . . .
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather
that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder
and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be
frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm
might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of
lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. Another and another were to follow
quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling.
Finally, the mother called her over to the car and asked, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "God just keeps taking pictures of me."
KIDS & GRANDKIDS
Huffy sounds here as though she's speaking from experience.
Things You Learn From Having
Children & Grandchildren...
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke...lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says
that can only be done in the movies.
If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they
can ignite.
A four-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a
42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.it
explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.
Play Dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Superglue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters don't like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating
dryer.
The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.
I DREAM OF GENIE
Lest you think she's resting on her laurels here still another one from Nicky,
The Easy Way Out . . .
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an
old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "OK, OK.
You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm
getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget the three. You only get one
wish!"
The man sat and thought about
it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly
and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there to
visit?"
The genie laughs and
says, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No! think of
another wish."
The man says OK and tries to think of a really good wish. Finally, he says, "I've
been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that
I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say nothing'.... know how to make them truly
happy...."
The genie replies, "You want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"
One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four . . .
You know that all potatoes have eyes.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a
little one --- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called" YAM". They wanted the best
for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a
bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to
worry------ no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!
But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food
and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard
Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could
get scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those
high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their
trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay. Mr. & Mrs. Potato
wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P .U. " -- that's Potato
University where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she' really be in the
Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs.
Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just..........
A COMMON TATER!
Ouch.
Finally two of Nik's Bummer Stickers.
Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.
My wife always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
Tomorrow I'll be back with you to share a sentimental Saturday. Meanwhile, sleep warm.
- RM 10/1/99 Previously unpublished. |
