PASS IT ALONG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan Entertainment Group

A Thought for Today

Some oceans have been known to come again to their mother country and wash ashore more brilliant treasures than they took away.

 

Friday’s our day to pass it along. In other words we recycle all the things folks recycle and send to us during the week. And anyway, what’s wrong with a few words to start the weekend off with the right smile?

AN OPENING GAMBIT

Here’s a word or two from Rose to get us going on the right track.

INNER PEACE

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

JANE’S JOKES

Jane Hernandez collars me and begins to tell me a joke.

TALES FROM THE 700 CLUB

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."


AND THEN SHE SAID

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it."


AND I STILL COULDN’T SHUT HER UP

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there
are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world!"


JANE, JANE! ENOUGH ALREADY

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. So the
Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
when the Minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation.

As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood
up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information-- snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!


WORDS FROM THE WASHINGTON POST

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary & alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing a single letter, & then supply a new definition. Here are some of the recent winners as submitted by Mark Bernstein.

DAFFY NITIONS

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4. Giraffiti: Written vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit & the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte: Taking coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right?! And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like a serious bummer.

10. Glibido: All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And the pick of the literature:

12. Ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an asshole.


PHOTO OF THE WEEK

BUSH ARRIVES AT LAX

President Bush’s much anticipated trip to California on behalf of the Energy Crisis took place this past Tuesday. In a 32 minute meeting with Gov. Gray Davis, where they discussed oil prices, the President was heard to remark “Gotcha!”

The President then went on to give an hour-long speech to the World Affairs Council in Century City where he promised “My administration will continue to work to help California through the difficult months ahead.”

(From wire service reports, photo Courtesy of Kathy Johnson)

EXTRA! EXTRA!

We have Sonja to thank for this collection of actual newspaper headlines.
.
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death


THE FINAL WORD

And what would Friday be like without a really awful pun from Sue Richardson.

MONK-E-BUSINESS

The monks at a monastery found their clothes were badly faded from working long hours in the vegetable garden so they decided to dye them.

Having no money, they boiled up vegetable leaves to act as dye. To their horror, the garments came out as stiff as boards.

That evening they were summoned to appear before the abbot. Admonishing them, he said: "I can't understand how you could be so foolish. Even though you live a cloistered life, surely you must have known that old habits dye hard."


That’s all. That’s enough. Sleep warm.

RM 5/30/2001 Previously unpublished

"Live at the Lensic" benefit appearance in Santa Fe just announced.

Booking for "An Evening with Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for more details:

Concert & Appearance Details

notable birthdays Rene Auberjonois o Johnny Bond o Pat Boone o Clive Brook o Joan Caulfield o Dean Chance o John Drinkwater o Morgan Freeman o Andy Griffith o Ty Hardin o Lisa Hartman o Cleavon Little o Rev. Ike o John Masefield o Bob Monkhouse o Marilyn Monroe o Frank Morgan o Alanis Morissett o Molly Picon o Jonathan Pryce o Nelson Riddle o Frederica Von Stade o Ron Wood o Edward Woodward o Brigham Young o Danny Zavatsky
Rod's random thoughts I have always been a man of elements, feeling that the best ideas and the nearest thing to knowledge have to spring from the most real of all realities - the sea, the earth, and the sky - rather than from history or philosophy books.

Let nothing pass between friends that lacks foundation in truth.

I always glance from right to left while passing down a new road. I’d hate to miss the moment when it comes along.

THE SECOND TIME

As fragile as a teacup
in the wrong hands,
As empty as the nests
                that birds vacate
just before the winter months
As silent as an enemy
with worked out plans
As difficult as detail is
to those who charge ahead
without instructions or a may.
So learning how to love again
                     must be to those
who leave off loving
after having scaled love's mountain
a time or two before.

I am a willing pupil
ready to again take up
the lesson book or attend
                     the master class.
Any day when I'm not learning
even if it's called re-education
          I consider lost.
I ask only patience
the kind the first grade teacher
offers her most backward child
that initial month,
before demands aggressive children
learn to make out of ego
                        and necessity.

Be as careful with me
as you are when rounding corners
                   new to you.
I'll cram, I'll study and I'll work
to merit this time spent with you
This new chance at reeducation.

I relearn quickly when I trust.

-from Folio No. 35, Spring 1982

 
© 1971, 1982, 2001 by Stanyan Music Group & Rod McKuen. All Rights Reserved
Birthday research by Wade Alexander o Poetry from the collection of Jay Hagan o Coordinated by Melinda Smith
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