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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Some oceans have been known to come again
to their mother country and wash ashore more brilliant treasures than
they took away.
Friday’s our day to pass it
along. In other words we recycle all the things folks recycle and send to
us during the week. And anyway, what’s wrong with a few words to start the
weekend off with the right smile?
AN OPENING GAMBIT
Here’s a word or two from Rose
to get us going on the right track.
INNER PEACE
My
therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I
start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of potato chips and a
chocolate cake. I feel better already.
JANE’S JOKES
Jane Hernandez collars me and
begins to tell me a joke.
TALES FROM THE 700 CLUB
Grandma
and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television
set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where
they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right
hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and
his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to
raise the dead."
AND THEN SHE SAID
A woman
at a party walked up to a man and told him, "If you were my husband I
would poison your drink."
The man replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it."
AND I STILL COULDN’T SHUT HER UP
Two guys
are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there
are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play
through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about
halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
JANE, JANE! ENOUGH ALREADY
There
was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. So the
Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
when the Minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation
decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is
an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood
up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information-- snow and rain are
also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!
WORDS FROM THE WASHINGTON POST
The Washington Post's Style
Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary & alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing a single letter, & then supply a new
definition. Here are some of the recent winners as submitted by Mark
Bernstein.
DAFFY NITIONS
1.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to begin with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
4. Giraffiti: Written vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit & the person who
doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: Taking coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these really bad
vibes, right?! And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like a serious
bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
And the pick of the literature:
12. Ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an asshole.
PHOTO OF THE WEEK
BUSH
ARRIVES AT LAX
President
Bush’s much anticipated trip to California on behalf of the Energy Crisis
took place this past Tuesday. In a 32 minute meeting with Gov. Gray Davis,
where they discussed oil prices, the President was heard to remark
“Gotcha!”
The President then went on to give an hour-long speech to the World
Affairs Council in Century City where he promised “My administration will
continue to work to help California through the difficult months ahead.”
(From
wire service reports, photo Courtesy of Kathy Johnson)
EXTRA! EXTRA!
We have Sonja to thank for
this collection of actual newspaper headlines.
.
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
THE FINAL WORD
And what would Friday be like
without a really awful pun from Sue Richardson.
MONK-E-BUSINESS
The
monks at a monastery found their clothes were badly faded from working
long hours in the vegetable garden so they decided to dye them.
Having no money, they boiled up vegetable leaves to act as dye. To their
horror, the garments came out as stiff as boards.
That evening they were summoned to appear before the abbot. Admonishing
them, he said: "I can't understand how you could be so foolish. Even
though you live a cloistered life, surely you must have known that old
habits dye hard."
That’s all. That’s enough. Sleep warm.
RM 5/30/2001 Previously
unpublished
 "Live at
the Lensic" benefit appearance in Santa Fe just announced. Booking for "An Evening with
Rod McKuen" at the Riverton Rendezvous is open! Click below for
more details:
Concert & Appearance Details
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